What are you going to do with the rest of your life?

“The truth is you inwardly desire to  make a vast difference.”
John F. Demartini, polymath

 

 

“I just don’t know what is going on with me!”

Yeva was a 45 year old widow and had been one for a long time.  She was a tall woman with a thick mane of deep brown hair and a stately manner.  But, she was not aloof at all. Instead she projected a very friendly attitude. She smiled easily, and often, in her effort to please those around her.   She was a dental assistant, having worked at the same clinic for over 18 years.

Yeva’s husband, Yeter, had been a ‘closet drunk’, trying to keep his alcoholism a closely guarded secret to all, except of course, his family.   He was a well respected math teacher by profession, but otherwise, at home. Yeva said, with a hint of irony in her voice, he couldn’t calculate, while inebriated, the stopping distance between his car and the hydro pole he hit the night he died, 10 years ago.

Yeva and Yeter had two children who were now in university.  Yardley, her son, age 22 was studying biology while Yadria, her daughter, age 24, was focusing on theatre arts.  Yeva was on her own now beyond the periodic visits from her children.

When I asked her how I might serve her, she said,

“I’ve been off on stress leave for the past four months and I don’t really know why.  I don’t know what has happened to cause my anxiety, forgetfulness and irritability.”

She paused and then kept going…

“I should be pleased with my life situation.  I have a job I enjoy, great people to work with, my kids are doing fine…I’m physically healthy.  I just don’t know what is going on with me!”

 

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.”
–  Jean de La Fontaine, poet

 

“…your spirit, your ‘joie de vivre,’ how is it, Yeva?

“How are your finances, Yeva?” I asked looking for some unspoken, hidden stressor.

“Ken, they are fine.  The kids both have scholarships and student loans.  I don’t live beyond my means…so things are fine there!” she said.

“How’s your love life, then?” I asked.

“Actually, pretty OK, too!  I have been dating an old friend, Yousef, also widowed, who I reconnected with through Facebook.” she said, smiling with an air of satisfaction.

“That only leaves in my estimation your spirit, your ‘joie de vivre,’ how is it, Yeva?” I asked wondering what was our real agenda.

“Ken, I have a good job, working with people who are like family to me, why wouldn’t I be satisfied with it?”

“I can offer you a couple of suggestions…interested?”

“Sure!” she replied.

 

 

 

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.”
– William Shakespeare, dramatist

 

 

“…we are the only animal that imagines…”

“Humans are learning machines, we have to perceive we are evolving at all times…learning something useful to us.  Eighteen years is a long time to do the same kind of work. Perhaps, it is a little too repetitive, now…not enough challenge for you, now?”

“Well, truthfully there are days when I do find I’m not into it anymore…I’m not excited about it the way I used to be.” she replied.

“Yeva, each of us have a purpose in being part of nature, part of this ecosystem, just like every other thing does, as well.  When we know that purpose, it determines our path to our future. And, it fulfills us by knowing we are working on it, consciously.”

I continued,

“Everyone and everything is on their purpose unconsciously.  But, we can do it consciously because of our ability to stand outside ourselves.”

“Do you mean our imagination…our ability to imagine things?”

“Yes, as far we we can tell, we are the only animal that imagines…so we can consciously plan our future!  It’s one of the main reasons we are such a successful species.”

 

“This activity was so engrossing for you…you felt so fulfilled…”

“Do you mean I have imagined my future and because I’m not consciously doing it, I’m creating stress for myself, Ken?”

“Perhaps!  Let’s explore it a bit.   In the past, you have been doing something, an activity of some kind, that while you were doing it, time and place did not matter.  This activity was so engrossing for you…you felt so fulfilled, you forgot the time of day and the place you were in. When was that for you, Yeva?”

For a minute, she seemed taken aback by my question.  Then, she went into her head staring off into space. I waited to find out what she would discover.

Then, she said,

“When the clinic has a patient, often a child, who is struggling with the fear and pain of what the dentist might do or is doing…that is when I, for some reason, get very focused, creative and effective.  The dentist I work for, has often said over the years, I am excellent with helping people manage their fear and pain.”

 

“It has been in the back of mind for years…”

“So, helping people manage their pain, is something you find satisfying and engaging.  Is that why you have stayed so long in your present job?”

“Actually, I look forward to working with the kids who come to our office.  I have even asked other dental assistants in the office to let me work with a child who is upset.  Yeah, I guess I am into dental pain management, aren’t I?” she said smiling at her own revelation.

“Yeva, are their other forms of pain management that interest you, that you would find challenging, that you would want to learn more about?”

“Ken, I’ve never mentioned this to anyone before, but…when I see kids, on the news, caught up in natural or political disasters, I dream of being one of those relief workers who goes in to help!   It has been in the back of mind for years…but I thought that’s so different from what I do, so I passed it off, as silly!”

 

“Have you found in the past that important achievements come easy…?”

“I learned a long time ago that, like beauty, pain is in the eye of the beholder.  I remember seeing a child who had lost their favourite teddy bear being just as distressed as my friend who had just lost his father to heart disease.”

“You’re saying my skills with children in a dental office could be useful in a war zone?”

“I sure am!   Yeva, there is probably lots more to learn about it, but I would bet you have a solid foundation already.” I said, to ensure her that she, like everyone else, has much to offer others.

“But, Ken!  If I really wanted to pursue that kind of work, I would probably need more training, be willing to travel and even endanger myself at times?”

“That’s very true, Yeva!   Have you found in the past that important achievements come easy, with little inconvenience or challenge?”

 

 

“You control your future, your destiny. What you think about comes about. By recording your dreams and goals on paper, you set in motion the process of becoming the person you most want to be. Put your future in good hands – your own.”
Mark Victor Hansen, businessman

 

“…anything important takes an effort equal to the results…”

“Well, no!  Not really!  Being a mom and a single mom; getting my dental training, becoming a widow…all that was hard…damn hard!” she said, a little surprised with her own language, yet not regretting the emphasis she voiced.

“It’s been my experience that anything important takes an effort equal to the results, Yeva.   And, so I don’t think would be easy to shift the form of purposeful work from pain management in dental care to another form of pain management.”

“So, I will have to be willing to pay the price of my time and energy to do it…is that what you’re saying, Ken?”

“Yes, I am Yeva.   But, if you connect it closely to your purpose, you will never regret it.  It will enable you to continue to be who you are, doing a new form of work that will give you new, exciting and fulfilling experiences.  Are you ready for that kind of challenge?”

 

“…Mom…what are you going to do with the rest of your life?”

“The last time the kids were both home for the weekend, we were having breakfast and I was lamenting to them how quiet the house was now and how I needed to make some changes since they both were away at school.  And, do you know what my daughter, Yadria said to me? She said, ‘Mom, we’re basically on our own now…what are you going to do with the rest of your life?’”

“How did you respond?”

“I was shocked by her question.  But, at the same time, a little excited by what it implied…that I really can do anything I want, can’t I?”

“Let’s see how close, what you said about working in pain management in global crisis situations, would fit your ‘dream job’ criteria.”

“What do you mean by my ‘dream job’ criteria, Ken?”

Yeva, most people carry around an idea of what the perfect job would be for them, if they could pick it.  This job is so satisfying time and place would not be relevant to them while they are at it. They would be well respected for doing it and very skilled at it.”

“So, you’re suggesting if I imagine myself doing pain management in other crisis situations, besides dentistry, would I, in fact, find it exciting and fulfilling?”

“That’s basically my question, Yeva!  What do you think?”

 

“…I think I’m on to something really important for me…”

Last week there was a news clip of an earthquake in South America somewhere.  They were pulling people out of crumbled building, many of them children. I would have loved to have been there helping out.”

“Yeva, that suggests it could be very purposeful and worth exploring further.” I suggested.

“Ken, I think I’m on to something really important for me, here.  I think I need a new life focus and career focus, as well. And, maybe Yousef and international crisis work can provide me with something to do with the rest of my life .” she said, an excited smile spreading over her face.

“Yeva, let me ask you a few questions to help you clarify your life purpose more succinctly so you can be sure you are on the right path for you. OK?”

“Do you mean I can know my life purpose exactly and it can tell me if I’m on the right path?”

“You have never been off your purpose in the past.  And, if you know it clearly, then you can use it as a reference point for future decisions enabling you to be consciously purposeful.”

“What’s the advantage of knowing it consciously instead of just living it unconsciously?” she asked.

 

 

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” – William Jennings Bryan, lawyer

 

“…if I can create that opportunity…it would inspire and fulfill me!”

“A great question, Yeva!”

“When you are on purpose consciously, it creates motivation, enthusiasm, creativity and inspiration for your life…you get to be the best you can be.”

“I like the sound of that, Ken.   Let’s do it!”

And, so we did!  I asked Yeva seven questions which uncovered a theme in her responses to her life purpose.  She combined and polished her answers for a bit and ended up with her life purpose being, “Loving others as they are!”

As we were finishing up that day she said,

“My purpose explains to me exactly what I have been doing with the kids in the dental clinic…just respecting their pain and reminding them they will be OK!  And, that’s what I would love to do with the children I have seen in the news! And, if I can create that opportunity…it would inspire and fulfill me!”

“That sounds like you have uncovered exactly and concisely what your future needs to be for you to be OK with yourself, eh?” I offered.

“Yes!  It is both scary and exciting, as I think about it.  But, now I know my path! Thank you, Ken!”

“So, what is your next step, Yeva?”

 

 

““The task of life is to be purposeful rather than to seem to be.”
– King Ayles, writer