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“We must accept life for what it actually is – a challenge to our quality without which we should never know of what stuff we are made, or grow to our full stature.” – Robert Louis Stevenson, Author

 

“It’s not what…it’s who?”

Hailee was a recently promoted middle manager in the local branch of a large shipping company.   She had been with the company for ten years and liked her work.   She was an attractive woman about 35 years of age with a large smile that seemed to fill her face with energy.   She was tastefully dressed reflecting an artistic bent somewhat uncommon, in my experience, for middle managers.

Hailee and Henry, her husband, were both outdoor addicts which included things like hiking, fishing and skiing.   They were slowing indoctrinating their three young children into their love of nature.

Hailee told me her new job as ‘regional manager’ was exciting and she really liked the fifteen percent salary increase since it enabled them to look for a bigger house.    But, she found the pressure too much at times.    She said the expectations seemed unrealistic and the timelines absurd at times.

When I asked her what was her biggest source of stress in her new position she replied,

“It’s not what…it’s who?”

I smiled at her saying, “Who is your biggest source of stress?”

“My shipping coordinator.”

“Tell me more Hailee.”

 

“My blood just boils with anger!”

“His name is Hank.   And, he has this way of talking to me that drives me batty.   He has this tone of voice and expression on his face that just drives me to feel so…” she stopped,  clearly confused in her feelings.

“What feeling do you experience when you see and hear Hank talk to you that way, Hailee?”

“It’s hard to describe.   It’s like I’m being talked down to…he is patronizing me… he is being so disrespectful towards me.   My blood just boils with anger!” she replied.

“Hailee, that is a very intense feeling your are describing.   Have you experienced it before?” I asked her, wondering why she would put up with disrespect from someone lower than her in the workplace pecking order.

She did not respond immediately to my question.   Her eyes drifted off as if in deep thought.   Then she rallied herself and looking toward me again said,

“I remember I had a teacher in high school, a math teacher.   His name was Mr. Hawkins.   He was an old fashioned, British trained, teacher.   And, he would often remark in class that girls were not suited for the sciences, especially mathematics.   I don’t think he saw himself as a sexist, but he was!   Hank reminds me of him a lot.”

“What happened with Mr. Hawkins?”

 

“There is good in everything; it’s just how you choose to look at it. Everything that’s worth it has a price. For me to be a model – I had to leave my family. … Life is meant to be a challenge, because challenges are what make you grow.”

– Gisele Bundchen, Model

 

‘Sir, brains are found between the ears, not between the legs, of humans!’

“One day, he was passing back our tests.   The girl who sat in front of me, Holly, was really smart and worked hard at her studies.    He usually passed each student their test paper and added a comment like, ‘Good work!, You can do better!, Nice try!’, that sort of thing.”

“What did he say to Holly?”

“Holly had made an A on the test, which was not unusual for her.   But, as he passed Holly her test paper, he said, in front of the entire class, “A boy would have made an A+! And, he used  that same disrespectful, demeaning tone and expression as Hank.”

“What happened then?” I asked.

“Holly said nothing, she just kept her head down.   But, I lost it!   I made a remark that got me kicked out of class that day.” Hailee said.

“What was your remark, Hailee?”

“I said to Hawkins, ‘Sir, brains are found between the ears, not between the legs, of humans!’” she said, smiling now.

“I guess you started developing your leadership skills fairly early Hailee, eh?   But, you were in high school when that happened, a teenager.   I’m wondering if you experienced that same feeling even earlier in your life for it to still carry so much emotional weight today?”

 

“What was your worst memory of those times?”

She paused again looking back into her past memories.

“To this day Ken, I’m not close to my dad, Hoagy.   I think it was with him that I first had that feeling of being disrespected.” Hailee said with a sad, lonely tone to her voice.

“Tell me about your relationship with you dad!”

“He was really my step dad.   My biological father died in an auto collision when I was just a toddler.   My mom remarried and had two more children, my step brothers, Henry and Hilton.    I always felt like I was a second class citizen growing up with Hoagy because I was the only girl and the only step child.”

“What’s your worst memory of having that feeling of being disrespected as a child?” I asked her.

“It was kind of an ongoing thing.   I had the impression from my step dad that I was more off a burden than my step brothers.   He did not blatantly say it out loud but kids don’t miss much.   I often had the distinct impression I was more of an inconvenience than his own two sons.”

“What was your worst memory of those times?”

 

“Everyone faces the challenge of finding meaning to their suffering.”
– Phil McGraw, Psychologist

 

“I felt humiliated, I got up and stomped to my room in a huff!”

“The one I remember most clearly today, happened when I was about twelve years old.   We were all sitting in our family room watching television.  It was in the winter and we burned wood for heat.   We had a stove that had to be filled each night just before bedtime so it would burn all night.   My step dad usually filled it but this night he had been sick with the flu.   So, he asked my mom to get us kids to bring up the wood from the basement.”

“What happened?”

“Since my step brothers were two and three years younger than me respectively,  she told Hoagy she would get me to do it.   I remember distinctly him saying from his Lazy Boy chair he always sat in, ‘No, get the boys to do it.    That’s a man’s job not a woman’s!’   And, when my mom protested, he got really upset at her, so she dropped it and did what he wanted.”

“What did you do at that moment, Hailee…how did you cope?”

“I felt humiliated, I got up and stomped to my room in a huff!   But I never forgot it!   It has stuck with me ever since!” she said, the humiliation resurfacing again.

“Now we know why Hank is such an emotional trigger.   I see two choices here, Hailee.   First, you can blame Hank for your stress and work to get him retrained, relocated or removed.   Second, you can update your perception of Hoagy which will free you from your past and prepare you for your future.”

“It’s like you’re saying there is a short term solution or a long term one?”

 

“The greatest challenge of the day is: how to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution which has to start with each one of us?” – Dorothy Day, Activist

 

 

“And, if I learn it I’m somehow more ready, more empowered for tomorrow?”

“Hailee, when we blame others for how we see the world when, in fact, we control how we see the world, it can provide temporary illusionary relief.   But, it doesn’t prepare us for our future with new knowledge and skills.”

Then I added, “On the other hand, when we expand our awareness of how nature works to help us survive by learning from each emotional event, we become wiser, stronger and better prepared for our future.” I said.

“Ken, do you mean my current perception of Hoagy is really an opportunity to learn something important for my own future?   And, if I learn it I’m somehow more ready, more empowered for tomorrow?”

“That’s a great explanation of it.   In a sense you could say your heart knows that everything in your life is both good and bad.   But your head, which has been influenced by your experiences, thinks everything in your life is either good or bad.”

“Would you give me an example?” she asked.

 

“Are you saying my perceptions are what I make them out to be, Ken?”

“Sure!   Can you see that in nature there is no such thing as a weed…a misplaced plant.   Each living thing is placed perfectly to ensure the ecological balance of the entire system of our planet?”

“Yes, I get that!   You see a lot of that idea on television now on NOVA and The Discovery Channel.”

“So, I call a yellow dandelion on my green lawn a weed because it is wrong to me to have yellow dots on that green surface.   I would have this view because of my values which I learned from my past experiences.   This same process goes on with any event we have tied a positive or negative emotion!

“Are you saying my perceptions are what I make them out to be, Ken?”

“Yes!   In the same way, viewing your step dad as disrespectful toward you, based on your values, seems only bad.   It is bad but equally good.   You just don’t see it yet!   If and when you uncover it, the negative emotion of hurt and humiliation resolve themselves into gratitude because what you learned makes you wiser and stronger.   Hailee, does having that level of awareness of yourself and your life interest you?   Are you prepared to do the work involved?” I asked her.

 

“So, how do we get this done, Ken?”

“If I want to be wiser and stronger I will need to do this, won’t I?” she asked.

“In my experience, if you don’t resolve your perceptions of this Hank, you will only attract other Hanks until you learn this important life lesson.   And, I suspect there is a part of you that knows Hoagy loved you in his own way, despite the memories you have been carrying around.”

“You know, that’s true!   I’m actually very fond of him.    He has been a devoted spouse to my mom and we are a close family in our own way!   So, how do we get this done, Ken?” she asked with a smile.

Hailee did the work and soon realized her independence and self esteem were created in no small way because of her perceptions of disrespect.   She also learned it was these experiences which she used to motivate herself in many parts of her life, but especially in her career.

 

“Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time… It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other.”
– Leo Buscaglia, Author

 

Until Next time…

    Now you know, since you have survived your parents upbringing you learned what you needed to learn to get you to be here today.   But, that wisdom and strength comes with a cost.   But, it was worth it because you are reading this post and living your life…doing quite OK!   So, if you have only been appreciating your supportive parent and trying to ignore your challenging parent, now is the time to learn to value them both because they equally contributed to who you are today.  Go find out how and notice its impact on your life.

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Our next seminar is entitled, “How to Bring balance to Life and Purpose to Work!”  It will be on Saturday, January 28th, 2017. Details are available at ww.kenpiercepsychologist.com

Send us your feedback and topic suggestions…we love to hear from you!  If you have a specific question or wish to schedule a consultation, feel free to contact me.

 

Namaste, (I salute the grandly organized design of the universe, manifested in you!)

Ken

Further information: www.kenpiercepsychologist.com