Friends…what a pain in the head?

“If you honour what is within you, your innate power to be, it will serve you.”
King Ayles, writer

 

 

“…I get to help people…that’s the part I like the most!”

Farrin was a tall, striking, twenty three year old woman in medical school who was home for a summer vacation.  She had grew up in this province and told me she always felt closer to the sea when she was on the Island.

Farrin did not have a significant other, saying she has been focused on her career since high school when she had dated a lot.   At that time, she had also been involved with student union activities and several sports. She said it enabled her to meet people and help them…which she really enjoyed.  But now, her focus was medicine.

Farrin had an older married sister, Fiona and two younger brothers, both in high school now and living with her parents. As she talked, I got the sense her family were close and supportive of her career choice.  When I asked her why she had chosen medicine she replied,

“Ken, I get to help people…that’s the part I like the most!”

 

 

“Why is Fay’s situation so upsetting to you, Farrin?”

Farrin presented very well…looking and talking in a calm, sensible and thoughtful way.  She said she was doing well in her studies and was just on the verge of selecting either general practice or a speciality…perhaps paediatrics.

“When I asked her how I might serve her, she responded,

“Ken, med school is really demanding…long hours for a long time.  It wears people down, burns them out. My friend, Fay, who is a year ahead of me, and I often talk about it…really…we complain about it.  And that’s OK! But, she gets so down on herself! I just don’t know what to do sometimes when she says crazy stuff!”

“Farrin, what do you mean by ‘crazy stuff?’” I asked.

“Well…she gets really discouraged.  She gets so depressed…even self destructive on one occasion…talking about ‘packing it all in.’”

“What is she upset about?”

“She is mad at her family for not being supportive of her career choice.  Her parents are divorced and she feels caught between them… a lot. Her father helps her financially a bit but her mother thinks she should be married and having her grandchildren…that kind of stuff.”

“Farrin, having periods of emotional ups and downs is normal and healthy.  But, if they last too long, hours instead of minutes of elating, or days instead of hours of depressing, it can lead to handicapping conditions.”

“So, being up or down for short periods is Ok but if it goes on too long, it can be a serious problem?”

“Yes. It sounds like Fay has some tough challenges.  But, I’m sure you’ve noticed, everyone does! Why is Fay’s situation so upsetting to you, Farrin?”

 

 

“…it’s a natural balancing act with many factors contributing.”

“I guess it’s that I want to help her in some way…it’s like a test for me of my career choice.  Can I really help people or is that just my fantasy?”

“It sounds like you are having doubts, Farrin?”

“I keep remembering the Hippocratic Oath about ‘first, do no harm’ and wonder if that’s exactly what I am violating, when we talk.”

“Farrin, there are a couple of facts that might serve you.  First, the Hippocratic Oath was about patient confidentiality and avoiding treatments that could endanger the patient back in 12th century medicine.  Second, preventable medical errors persist as the No. 3 killer in the U.S. following heart disease and cancer and claiming over 400,000 people annually.”

“Yes, I heard that statistic in one of my classes.  And, it is over 30,000 in Canada! I know we make mistakes, but shouldn’t we be getting better at it?” she asked, her disappointment showing.

“We are getting better at it because people are living longer…every year.  But equally, the global population is also growing…every year. So, it’s a natural balancing act with many factors contributing.”

 

“There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.”
–  Kin Hubbard, writer

 

 

“… that means I can’t help Fay without equally hurting or hindering her…”

“So, you are kind of suggesting harm is always happening.   Is that true, Ken?”

“Yes I am!  The duality law of nature demands that creation and destruction be in an equilibrated state.  So for example, when it is spring in one part of the planet, it is fall in another part. When it is dawn here, it is dusk on the other side of the earth.  There are examples everywhere. Life and death are constantly counterbalanced in nature.” I offered.

“So that means I can’t help Fay without equally hurting or hindering her in some way…correct?” she said, starting to apply the idea to her current situation.

“You got it exactly!   But, when you understand how that is OK…perfect actually…then you get to understand how our natural systems, and life itself, works.  Then, you can use it to become the inspired physician you desire.”

“What I don’t understand is how trying to help someone who is so depressed could hurt or hinder them in any way…I don’t get that part, Ken!”

 

 

“…but, it is not essential for him to learn to walk…”

“Let me offer you an example, Farrin.  Have you ever noticed an adult helping a toddler learn to walk by holding their hands as they struggle to find their balance and coordination?”

“Ken, my sister, Fiona, has a son, Fabio, who is just a year old.  I was watching her last weekend doing just that when I was over there for dinner.”

“Do you think Fabio would not learn to walk if his mom didn’t help him?”

“Oh, I think he would regardless…he is a very determined little boy!” she said, smiling at her memory.

“I think you’re correct.  He is wired biologically to evolve his ability to walk…it is really just a matter of when he gets enough practice to develop the skills he needs. And, his mom’s support is useful in reminding him he can learn to walk, and eventually, will learn to walk…but, it is not essential for him to learn to walk…can you see that?”

“Yes, I can, Ken!  Fiona’s confidence in him is important but not essential.” she replied, getting the distinction.

 

 

“… you can’t save her, nature requires us, ultimately,   to save ourself…”

“That same principle applies to Fay’s situation.  She is struggling to learn to walk her path of life.  And, she is also wired to learn how to do it and move forward on her path.  And, she will do it. It can be very useful to remind her she can do it…but you can’t do it for her.”

Then I added,

“If she displays an attitude of hopelessness, uselessness or helplessness, you can remind her self harm is a long term solution to a short term perception.  But, you can’t make her believe it. You can take her to the ‘well of wisdom’ but you can’t make her drink from it.”

“So, you’re saying I can tell her I believe in her but I can’t make her believe in herself…is that what you’re saying?” Farrin asked, getting her role in the relationship, more clear.

“Yes, you can’t save her, nature requires us ultimately, to save ourself…to believe in ourself…to value ourself.  While life’s events will challenge this belief, it will also enable us to empower ourself for our future.”

“So then, Fay’s challenges are supposed to make her stronger and smarter in some way…is that what you are getting at, Ken?”

 

“I think the most important thing people can do to save our planet and the human race is to empower women!”   – Robert Ballard, scientist

 

 

“Trying to save someone implies…they are less than you…”

“Isn’t that what has happened in your own life, Farrin?  Have you not learned to be stronger and smarter as you work your way through, not just med school, but your entire life?”

“Yes, that is true.  But, what if I don’t give her enough support or the right kind of support and she hurts herself…what then?”

“Remember, she is biologically wired for survival, so, while this can happen, it is not really likely.  You can remind her of other challenges she has met successfully or even the benefits of her current challenges…but, you can do her work for her…and, it would be disrespectful if you tried to do it for her!”

“What do you mean  by disrespectful?”

“Trying to save someone implies your are somehow more than them…wiser, smarter, stronger…and therefore, they are less than you…less wise, dumber, weaker!”

“Ken, Fay is a top student and and helps me with my courses, so she is a really quick study…so there is little danger of that!”

“Farrin, if you give her advice and she thinks it works, she becomes more dependent on you and less independent.  And, if she thinks your advice didn’t work, she can blame you and feel less empowered and more vulnerable.”

 

“…she has not been noticing her strengths and abilities.  You are reminding her!”

“So, you’re hinting Fay is already a highly competent person in many ways and to offer her my advice could be implying she is less than that or less than me…eh?”

“Exactly!”

“So, what does assisting her to remember other challenges she has met before successful or the benefits of her current challenges do for her?”

“Farrin this reminds Fay she is a powerful, successful person in most areas of her life.  Could she be in medical school if she wasn’t?”

“No!  Of course not!  She is a very strong, highly motivated person and has the respect of many people around her.  So, you’re telling me to remind her of her power, her skills and her success that is evident all around her?”

“Yes, Farrin!  This is what can empower her to take control of her life and the situations she finds painful.  She, like everyone, is doing it, every day. But, she has not been noticing her strengths and abilities.  You are reminding her!”

“So, if I said to her, look at how you dealt with all the challenges of getting through high school or getting into med school, or dealing with her parent’s divorce…stuff like that, it could remind her of her power…is that the idea, Ken?”

 

 

“…but it shows her, someone who cares about her, believes she can manage the stresses…”

“Yes!  It doesn’t save her, it doesn’t make her do anything…but it shows her, someone who cares about her, believes she can manage the stresses of her life.”

“Cool!  I like this approach.   It is real…truthful…and honest.  I’ll talk to her and let you know how it goes next week, OK?”

“I look forward to see how she responds to your confidence in her abilities to run her own life.  See you then, Farrin!”

This was the start of Farrin’s journey into becoming the wise and inspired physician she desired. Her friend Fay became the catalyst for her to learn skilled and experienced medical people know they, not just help others, they also give them more responsibility and accountability for their health and well being…a two side phenomenon…in keeping with the natural laws.

“Age acquires no value save through thought and discipline.”
– James Truslow Adams, historian