I want to live with Mom, not Dad!

“When you pay attention to boredom it gets unbelievably interesting.”
– Jon Kabat-Zinn, educator

 

“Life at her father’s was what she called, ‘boring!’”

Jade was 10 years old.  Jade had big, chocolate brown eyes, a small pug nose and a smile that consumed her whole face when it emerged which wasn’t very often so far.  She wore her thick, brown hair short and sassy. Her pierced ears displayed brightly coloured plastic inserts that, my guess, were trendy among her peers!

Jade was in grade five in a local French immersion school which put her one language beyond me, regardless of her tender years.  She told me she liked her school and her teachers, especially her gym teacher. And, she especially loved ringette. She played centre on her team.

Jade was a strong, tall girl, probably a little taller than her classmates.  She dressed like her age group, a combination of casual, chic and cool, all blended together somehow, in the way only kids can achieve.   Her eyebrows were dark and thick and almost joined. But, she was either too young yet to notice or didn’t care about pruning them down, like adults do, to hints of their robust original form.

I had met her father, Jan, the previous week.  He had provided a brief of history of his family’s situation and why he wanted Jade to talk with me.  Jade’s mother, Jasmine, had divorced him when Jade was 4 years old. She had since remarried and had another child, Jason, with her new partner, Jarrett.

Jade was close to both her Dad and Mom, but had lived with Jan mostly since her parent’s divorce.  And, with her Mom’s new baby to care for, Jade had been having less time than usual with her mother for the last two years.

The situation was aggravated further by Jade’s Mom’s family being handy, in the province and very close.   Jan’s family, in contrast, were not that close and mostly lived outside the province. There was a baby brother and lots of cousins at her mothers.   Life at her father’s was what she called, ‘boring!”

 

“… been telling her father indirectly for several months she preferred to be at her moms…”

Jade had been telling her father indirectly for several months she preferred to be at her mom’s with excited conversations about her next visit, chatted about her baby brother and an increasing reluctance to come home with her father.  But, she had never mentioned the topic directly to either of them.

Jan had discussed his concerns with Jade’s mother on one occasion.  He had received a very clear message she was overwhelmed much of the time with work and her new baby.  And, Jasmine liked the current arrangement as it was. Jan felt caught between his ex-spouse and his daughter.

Jan said Jade’s homeroom teacher had noticed her preoccupation with being at her mothers in somethings she had written in school.  It was she who had alerted him during a parent-teacher meeting. This had motivated Jan to take action and book a consult.

 

 

“Even boredom has its crises.” – Mason Cooley, writer

 

 

“I would tease her with banter about winning and losing…”

Jade was a cautious kid, perhaps a little skeptical of another adult wanting to give her advice or teach her something which she didn’t need or even interest her.

At the beginning, we played ‘Crazy 8’s” and talked.  Card games are often unrecognized as powerful learning tools for children of mathematics, strategic thinking and social development.  And, of course, for retention of the same stuff, in people my age…seniors.

Jade responded well and soon warmed up.  And, especially so, when beating me at cards.  I would tease her with banter about winning and losing to encourage her to start looking for the two sides of not just cards, but also, of life.

I introduced her to ‘dominos’ as well, all the time, gaining insight into how she saw the world in general, and her life challenges, in particular.  I would give her ‘thought homework’ between our session to keep her looking for nature’s duality.

 

 

“Tell me about what it’s like living at your Dad’s.”

She walked in to one of our sessions clearly perturbed about something. As she was dealing the cards I asked her what was the best part of her past week.

She replied,

“I know the worst part, Ken!”

“What was that, Jade?”

“I needed to talk to my Mom and couldn’t get a hold of her.  And, she never even returned my call last night!” she said, indignantly.

“I guess you needed to talk to her.  Would you tell me what it was about?” I asked, wondering if she was ready to take a risk of sharing her concern with  me.

“I am just so bored at Dad’s.  Like… there is nothing to do and just no one to play with.   I’m just sitting around watching TV all the time and it is so maddening!” she replied, flashing her eyes and gesturing dramatically, making it a full body experience the way children can do.

“That sounds like a painful experience, Jade.  Maybe you’re ready to use it to your advantage.  Would it interest you to learn how to deal with frustration and loneliness?”

“I dunno…maybe?  I sure am tired of being lonely, living with Dad, Ken!” she said, a sadness spreading across her youthful face.

“Tell me about what it’s like living at your Dad’s.”

“It’s just so quiet all the time.  We eat our meals and chat, then we do the dishes up and I do my homework.  But besides that, he is on his computer working a lot and I just sit around and watch TV.”

 

 

“Don’t you have to be happy or sad…with nothing in between?”

“So, is there more to do at your Mom’s?  Tell me about being there.”

“Well, first of all, we are both girls so there’s nothing we can’t talk about.  And, my brother, Jason, is so cute and so much fun to play with…he’s walking now!”  she said, excitedly.

“So, you would prefer to be living with your Mom, not your Dad, eh?”

“Yes, I would!” she said, nodding confirmation of her unspoken thoughts.

“Would you be interested in knowing how to be OK at both your Dad’s place and your Mom’s, Jade…you know…not have to feel caught being in one place and wishing you were in the other?” I asked, wondering if she was ready to take a  step forward.

“You mean, be sad and happy, at the same time…Ken, that’s not possible is it?  Don’t you have to be happy or sad…with nothing in between?” she asked, displaying her child-like genius.

 

 

“…have you noticed all the work involved, like feeding him, changing him…”

“Actually, you don’t, Jade!  Many people don’t really believe it’s possible until they prove it to themselves…but, it really is possible!  Do you want to figure out how to do it?”

“I sure would…because then I wouldn’t feel so lonely so much!   But, how do I do it?”

“Let’s start with you making a list, on my flip chart here, of the five best parts of being at your Mom’s.   And, then on another page, a list of the five worst parts of being at your Dad’s. OK?”

Jade jumped from her chair and went to work with my coloured markers and soon had printed two pages, Mom’s in bright, fluorescent green, Dad’s in midnight black, of her current perceptions of life with her parents.

When she had completed them to her satisfaction, we put them on the floor and I collected the green and black markers.  Then, I gave her a grey coloured marker and a bright blue one, telling her we were going to add some more information to each sheet.  I told her the grey colour was to use for her Mom’s green sheet and the blue for her Dad’s black sheet. She eyed me suspiciously, but agreed.

I said,

“Jade, your really love your little baby brother, Jason, right?”

She beamed saying, “He’s a little doll…cute, funny and into everything!”

“As you watch your Mom and Jarrett take care of him, have you noticed all the work involved, like feeding him, changing him, bathing him, dressing him, getting him to bed…that kind of stuff?”

“Oh yeah, Ken!   And, you got to watch him all the time…he is a lot of responsibility!” she added, proud of using that ‘big’ word I suspected.

“So, the responsibility of Jason’s care is a bad side to him being your little brother and being around him.  Would you take your grey marker and add that to the good green things you wrote on your sheet about being at your Mom’s?”

“Sure!” she said and went to work recording this on her sheet on the floor.  She even added two drawings to emphasize her note.

 

 

“Boredom is the root of learning – the refusal to be your true self.”
– King Ayles, writer

 

 

“I get to pick the cartoons I want to watch.”

“Have you noticed how your Mom and Jarrett have less time to spend with you because they have Jason to care for first because he is so young?”

“Yea!  In fact, they have no time for me until Jason is in bed for the night.” she replied her face drooping.

“So that needs to be put down in grey beside the green stuff about your time with Mom, eh?”

“Oh yeah!” she said jumping up to record it.

“So, we have found two parts of being with Mom that are kind of bad.  So let’s find two parts of being with your Dad that are kind of good, OK?”

Getting the idea immediately, Jade volunteered with,

“When Dad is working on his computer, I get to pick the cartoons I want to watch.  I like to be in control of the clicker because at Mom’s I have to share it with her, Jarrett and even Jason sometimes.  And, he only likes those ‘baby cartoons’ which are so boring.” she said, indignantly.

“So use your blue marker and record that on your Dad’s sheet, OK?”

“Sure!” she said jumping to it.

 

 

“… I just watched it myself!   That’s how I got through it!”

“Since good and bad thing happen at the same second in nature, think of one of the worst times of being at your Dad’s and let’s find the best part of it, so we can put it on his sheet in blue, OK?”

“Last night Dad had some special work project he had to finish and wasn’t able to watch our favourite TV show, The Big Bang Theory.   I was really upset and disappointed.  That’s why I tried to call Mom. But, she never got back to me either.  I was feeling really forgotten, Ken!” she said, her eyes flushing with hurt.

“Jade, how did you cope…because you’re here today telling me about it, so you must have dealt with it effectively, eh?”

Jade looked up at me in surprise, this thought, apparently not occurring to her before.

“Ken, I just watched it myself!   That’s how I got through it!”

 

“I guess I did act older, didn’t I?”

“So, you acted like an older and smarter person, like a twelve year old or even a teenager, maybe?”

Again, the surprise look on her young face at this new perspective.  She processed this a bit before responding with,

“Yeah!  I guess I did act older, didn’t I?”

“Sure looks like it, to me!  Do you think it is useful if you get to practice being older when you’re at your Dad’s?   Do you think it might be useful later on…perhaps when you get to babysit Jason when you’re older?”

Again, her eyes flashed and she smiled at another new perspective in her life.

“I never thought of it that way before, Ken.  That’s kinda cool, isn’t it!” her smile broadening further.

“How would you like to record that on your Dad’s sheet?”

“Oh, I know how.  I’ll draw a picture of me pushing Jason’s stroller in the driveway.” she said matter of factly.

“That’s a neat way to do it, Jade!”

 

“I’m glad they divorced because otherwise…”

And, so we continued to uncover and record each positive and negative memory of her time with Dad and with Mom.  She got more proficient at uncovering the other side of each memory. She started calling it the ‘secret side’ and took delight in finding them.

As our work continued, her infatuation with being at her Mom’s and resentment with being at her Dad’s resolved into an appreciation for each.  Her Dad, Jan, was the first to notice the evolution. And, even her Mom picked up on it too.

Jade, for her part, settled into her new found wisdom with the ability to take it to parts of her life with her parents that were at times challenging for them.  The one I recall she told me about went something like this,

“I‘ve been telling both Dad and Mom I’m glad they divorced because otherwise I might not have a baby brother….”

 

“Boredom always precedes a period of great creativity.”
–  Robert M. Pirsig, philosopher