I’ve been abandoned, repeatedly! Why me?

“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.”
– Lucius Annaeus Seneca, statesman

 

 

“Why do I stay…why do I stay in our marriage?”

Naomi was a strikingly attractive woman for her 55 years.  She had a full head of snow white hair, cut trim and short to enhance her small features and pretty face.  She still carried much of her younger beauty in her trim stature and engaging friendly smile.

Naomi had been married to Nathan for over 30 years.  They had three children and three grandchildren so far.  She initially had been an educator but later moved to a position with the federal government.  Nathan aged 65 years, was a mechanic, who had owned his own repair shop. He still hung around it even though he had sold it to his daughter, Natasha.  She ran it now and very successfully.

Their three daughters, Natalie, Nenna and Natasha were close to their parents each in their own way.  Naomi was a devoted mother and grandmother. She was in daily contact with Natasha who lived handy, and weekly contact with Natalie and Nenna, her middle and oldest children who lived away.  She took great pride in the celebration of holidays and family birthdays with carefully planned cards, cakes and gifts.

Naomi was describing a pretty successful life, so I was anxious to find out what was bringing her to me.   So, I said,

“Naomi, you describe a pretty full and OK life, what brought you here today?”

She paused before responding in a regretful and somewhat confused tone.

“Nathan asked me a question I couldn’t answer.  A question, I think, I should be able to answer at my age.”

“And, what question was that, Naomi?”

“Why do I stay…why do I stay in our marriage?”

 

 

“Nathan abandoned me years ago!”

“What brought up that question from Nathan?” I asked, curious as to the context of such a profound and challenging question.

“We were debating our proverbial, polar opposite, perspectives on our time together.  We have these discussions, really arguments, regularly. But lately, with fewer distractions from the children and grandchildren, they raise their ugly head more often it seems…” she said, with a sad, wistful air to her manner.

Then, she added, with certainty,

“We’re very different your know!”

“How different are you, Namoi?”

“We have such a different view of our past, present and our future…I wonder why we’re even together or that we have lasted as long as we have, really?” her voice full of confusion and also frustration this time.

“Tell me about the last time you had one of these discussions, Namoi.”

“The general flavour of our talks are like this: he thinks we’re rich and I think we’re poor; he thinks we’re doing OK and I think we’re going to hell in a handbasket; he thinks our finances are fine and I think we have too much debt; he thinks the kids are doing fine and I think they are struggling; and on it goes!” she said, her exasperation and the volume of her voice increasing as she talked.

“Let’s get more specific.  What was the last one about?”

She hesitated before responding with,

“Intimacy…affection really!  He thinks I’m emotionally too distant!”

“And, do you think you are emotionally distant, Namoi?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?  Nathan abandoned me years ago!  He was always focused on his work or on his siblings.  He was never there for me or our children. I can give you a list of specific events, like the births of our kids, where he wasn’t there for me when I needed him.  He ignored me and was preoccupied with people.”

 

 

“Abandoned is part of everyone’s life and fosters maturity and wisdom!”
– King Ayles, writer

 

 

 

“…while my mom was a teetotaler, my dad drank quite a bit…”

“So, you think your emotional distance is justified given what has happened in the past…at least from your perspective?  And, I suppose, he doesn’t share your perspective on these events…is that true?”

“He sure doesn’t.  He thinks he has been a devoted spouse.  And, he still thinks he is one…can you believe that?” she said in disgust.

“That’s actually pretty common in relationships because each person has a different set of values because they each have a different list of past experiences which create those values.”

“I suppose that makes sense because I certainly didn’t grow up in his crazy family.  I grew up in my own.”

“Tell me a bit about your birth family and his as well.”

“Well, I’m the oldest of five children. I have two brothers and one sister.  My dad was a wounded veteran of WWII and worked his whole life in the post office.  He had regular pay and pretty good benefits, but he worked a lot of hours and often during holidays when postal services were busiest.”

 

“And your mom, what about her?”

 

“My mom was a stay-at-home mother at first but later went to work in the billing department of a national company.   And, while my mom was a teetotaler, my dad drank quite a bit…I think now, to cope with his undiagnosed PTSD symptoms.  My dad wasn’t really close to his family but my mom was, so we were closer to our cousins on her side of the family and still are today.”

 

 

“… Nathan’s father was a “closet” drinker, …probably to cope with his own demons.

“And Nathan’s family?” I asked.

“Nathan is in the middle of seven.  His father was seasonally employed on the harbourfront.  His mother was a stay-at-home mom her whole life. Both Nathan’s parents were raised by single parents.  His paternal grandmother was widowed twice before he was 5 years old and so his father spend a few years in an orphanage.  His maternal grandmother was abandoned by their grandfather with four children to raise on her own.”

 

She paused and then added as an afterthought,

 

“Nathan’s father was a “closet” drinker, in contrast to mine, probably to cope with his own demons.  And, both his parents were sort of close to their relatives but there was a lot of variability there too.”

“So, you are different and yet similar!   You both have different family histories but both have experienced abandonment…just in different forms according to your family’s story.”

“You sound like being abandoned is a common experience, Ken?”

“It is common!  But, it is more profound than that Naomi.  Abandonment is experienced by everyone in many forms repeatedly throughout life.”

 

“By everyone?” she said in surprise.

 

“That’s how you left home, you abandoned your parents.  That’s how your children left home, they abandoned you. We get left by others regularly so we can learn to be independent and in charge of our own life…otherwise we would stay dependent and too vulnerable.”

 

“… it could be you carry some past, unresolved abandonments you don’t value, yet.

 

“Are you saying being abandoned is useful?”

“I’m saying feeling abandoned is essential.  Isn’t that how Nathan’s mother learned to survive when her husband left her?   Isn’t that how your father’s family learned to cope when he left for war? And, isn’t that how you survived when you perceived Nathan wasn’t going to be with you when you wanted?”

“Namoi eyed me suspiciously for a few minutes.  Then, she said,

“You’re saying I learned to be more independent when Nathan wasn’t around when I wanted him to be, right?”

“Only you can decide that Namoi!  But, is independence something you take pride in having today?” I asked, wondering where she would go with this new idea.

“Nathan often says, nobody can tell me what to do…least of all him, anyway!  And, while there’s lots of stuff I won’t do, there isn’t much I can’t do, if I put my mind to it.”

 

“That sounds like a pretty independent person to me!” I  volunteered.

 

“But, if that’s the case, why do I remember most clearly memories of him abandoning me?   And, why does it bug me so much?” she asked, confused now.

“Namoi, you probably have figured out by now marriage is not to make people happy, it’s to make them smarter and stronger.  Would you agree?” I asked, wondering how much wisdom she had collected so far.

“Can’t argue with that Ken!  Everyone I know is working at it daily…and there seems to be no let up, either!” she said, with a half smile.

“Since abandonment is such a common experience in everyone’s life…in fact everyone abandons us in some way, quite often, even when they leave for school or work …or even to go to sleep for the night.  So, it could be you carry some past, unresolved abandonments you don’t value, yet. Could that be possible?”

 

“Independence and abandonment are two sides of the same coin, one comes from the other!”
– King Ayles, writer

 

“… you are alive today …because your parents abandoned you…”

“I never thought of it that way before.” she replied.

“Let me be a devil’s advocate for a few minutes and ask you some questions.  OK?”

“Sure!”

“Tell me three ways you actually abandoned Nathan in the past, yourself?”

She thought for a few minutes and then said,

“I guess going to work each day over the years, visiting my family by myself and going out with my friends.”

“OK  Now, tell me three ways your children have abandoned you?”

“Going to school each day leaving me with an empty house, leaving for university and now, going on family vacations without me or Nathan.”

“Nice going! Your really getting the idea.   So, we get abandoned throughout life because we need to learn new ways of being independent throughout life.  So, who do you perceive abandoned you when you were younger?”

Naomi’s face took on a very serious and sad expression,

“I have lost three close friends in the past who got sick and died quite quickly.  And, I lost one of my brothers a few months ago.”

 

“Any other examples?”

 

“Right now, I have another friend who is also dying with cancer.”

 

She paused, then said,

 

“It may sound weird, but sometimes I feel abandoned by them, even though they didn’t or aren’t doing it, intentionally.”

“Those are very common, yet rarely expressed, feelings of many people, Namoi.  What about before that, in your younger years?”

“Well, I was in high school when my grandfather died of a heart attack in his living room while I was sitting there with my mom and grandmother.”

 

“Any others?”

 

“I lost a baby brother, who lived only five days after his birth.  We still talk about events before and after his death, even though us kids never really saw him.” she said, uncovering more memories of abandonment.

“What about your parents, Naomi?”

“Why would you ask about them?”

 

“Because, one of the reasons you are alive today was because your parents abandoned you so you could learn to be an independent person.” I said, scratching perhaps a raw spot in her mind.

 

“Everyone has to make that trip to have their own life …and their own future.”

 

“My parents never abandoned me, Ken.  They were entirely devoted to me. They loved me!” she said with a strong irritated tone.

“Namoi, I know they loved you because they supported you and challenged you equally, so you could learn what you needed for your future.   That’s what love is…half support and half challenge. And, as the oldest of five, I bet you were given a lot of responsibility early on in life.

“Actually, I was!” she said softly.

“And, I bet with your mom taking care of five children and your dad working a lot and drinking as well, you regularly felt abandoned, or perhaps forgotten, during  your childhood.”

 

I paused before continuing so she might hear the truth of everyone’s life.  Then I added,

 

“But, that’s not just likely, Namoi…it is normal, healthy and appropriate…and has served you well…has it not?”

She was stunned by these words…it was like the truth was out…finally!  Her eyes watered a bit as she contemplated what I was saying. Then she replied,

“One of my earliest memories was when I was about five.  Mom and dad had to go out somewhere for the evening and they left us with a babysitter.  I was so upset and scared really. And, I cried and cried for them not to go. But, they went anyway and left me…abandoned me.”

“How did you cope Namoi, at that very second, with feeling so abandoned?”

“I don’t recall really. I guess I just went to bed with my brothers and sister and waited for them to return.  What else could I do?”

“That sounds like one of the early starts of your journey to independence, autonomy and becoming your own person.  Everyone has to make that trip to have their own life …and their own future.”

 

“Our trials, our sorrows, and our grieves develop us.”
–  Orison Swett Marden, writer

 

 

“Everyone has to make that trip to have their own life …and their own future.”

“Then, that would mean feeling abandoned is useful and necessary for people to mature and become adults?  And, that would mean my kids…our kids must have experienced feeling abandoned as well. They must have perceived me, and their father, as abandoning them?”

“Exactly, Naomi!   That’s nature’s way for each person to learn to depend on themselves first.   It is a vital survival skill.”

“You know, I have noticed I don’t remember my parents playing games with us as kids.  My mom was often so overwhelmed with parenting she had little time for anything else, whether it was housekeeping or playing with her children.” she offered, insightfully.

“Namoi, that’s not unusual when you have five children to raise.”

“And, dad was always working long hours and especially during the Christmas Holidays when other parents had more time to play with their kids.  And, he was kind of shy, and especially so, with just his one eye from his war injuries.” she added, with a sad voice.

“Since you’re a mom yourself, Namoi, you know kids expect you to be there for them at all times and places.  And, they expect it because they exist. Not because they’re cute, smart or well behaved.”

 

“… I still do that in different ways today.  I’m a very organized person.”

“So, you’re saying children never expect to be abandoned, they expect to be supported at all times!”

“Yes, exactly!  That’s the fantasy of pleasure without pain, that biologically motivates us to learn for our future.  So, our pain of feeling abandoned drives us to learn what we need to be independent beings who are then more ready for our future.”

“So, that means when I saw Nathan abandoning me, I had to step up and become more independent for my own future…is that what this is all about?”

“That’s the natural learning process for all of us.  But, only you can prove to yourself it was true at each moment you felt abandoned by Nathan, by your mom, you dad, your kids or anyone else.”

“Well, when he left me with a new baby and took off to do his business billing, I did feel very abandoned!”

“How did you cope at that second, Namoi?”

“As I recall, I got organized!  I mentally planned out my whole day on my own with the kids!”

“And, how did taking that approach serve you…how did it make you smarter and stronger?”

“Well…I guess I still do that in different ways even today.  I’m a very organized person. And, since I spent more time with our kids, I think I’m closer to them and that continues even today.” she said, with a measure of satisfaction.

 

“… I stay in my marriage…because it allows me to be me.”

“What else has been a  benefit to feeling abandoned by Nathan?”

“While I have friends, but I retain my independence from them.  They usually call me, I don’t usually call them.” she added, getting the idea now.

“What else, Namoi?”

“And, I keep our finances in order, pay the bills and that kind of stuff.”

“What else?”

“I get the groceries and do most of the housekeeping.  And, I watch my own health closely and take good care of myself.” she replied, now on an awareness avalanche.

“And?” I said.

“And, I have my own routines, the TV shows I watch, what I read, even my own opinions about politics and other social issues.  And, my spirit and determination is very strong.” she said with a strong, strident smile.

“It sounds like feeling abandoned in the past by lots of people has served you very well, Naomi!   In point of fact, it looks like it contributed a lot to who you are today, what you do today and what you have achieved so far in your life.  Can you see that now?

Putting it all together quickly, she responded with,

 

“So, that’s why I stay in my marriage to Nathan…because it allows me to be me.   But, I won’t be happy in my marriage, but I can be grateful for my marriage…is that the idea?”

“That’s the reason people commit to each other…not to be happy, but to be appreciative of themselves, their spouse, their family, their friends, their community and their life.” I said, endeavouring to summarize.

 

“And, that’s why Nathan stays as well, eh?” she asked.

“Ask him and find out!   Then, you will know for sure!”

“I will!”

“Keep me posted, OK?”

“I will!”

 

“What else but abandonment would ever motivate us to leave the nest?”
– King Ayles, writer