Loss, like a miscarriage, has a gain, too!

“That though the radiance which once shines so bright be forever taken from my sight thou nothing can restore the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower
I will grieve not but find strength in what remains behind”
— William Wordsworth, poet

 

“… it was related to something which had occurred in her previous marriage…”

Sachi and her spouse, Samuel (Sam), had been making excellent progress in rebuilding their relationship after an infidelity incident.   It was the second marriage for each of them, so they had both at different times, expressed a strong commitment to making this one work.

Sachi was turning the thirty year mark, while Samuel was thirty five.  They had also decided it was time to begin their family since neither had children.   Sachi was a petite, trim attractive woman with jet black hair cut quite short which enhanced her fine features.  Sam was a tall, robust and barrel chested man with a friendly smile.

When they had started therapy, Sachi was playing the under-dog while Samuel was playing the over-dog.   The power in their relationship was shifting to a more balanced one with the focused accelerated learning that was occurring in their therapeutic work.

Sachi called me one day to book an individual appointment…for herself. When she arrived I asked her what was on her mind that she was coming to see me without Sam.  She told me it was related to something which had occurred in her previous marriage before she had even met Sam.

 

“… I started wondering why this miscarriage wasn’t a mistake…especially on my part…”

I asked her, “Would you like to tell me about it?”

“I was with my first husband, Sheldon, for three years before we decided to split.  In our second year I got pregnant but miscarried at three months. It hit us both hard and within a year we were separated.”

“Sachi, do you think the end of your marriage was tied to your miscarriage?” I asked wondering where she had gone with this event.

“Actually, Ken, I don’t!  Our relationship was a struggle right from the start.   But, I have always wondered why that miscarriage occurred.   And, when you said in our couple work, ‘there are no mistakes in nature only learning opportunities’, I started wondering why this miscarriage wasn’t a mistake…especially on my part as the carrier of our infant.” she said, while her eyes flushed themselves involuntarily.

“So, you have been seeing your miscarriage as a mistake…and one that was probably yours?” I asked.

 

“…if we actively resist learning, time will not heal a wound.”

“Yes, I have!   And, now that Sam and I are planning to start our family, I’m terrified I will screw it up.  And, I still think about the baby I lost…almost daily…and especially when I see other infant children.”

“Sachi,  it sounds like you are still in grief over your loss!”

“But Ken, it’s been several years since it happened.” she replied.

“It has been said that time heals all wounds.   But, if we actively resist learning, time will not heal a wound.”

“What do you mean by ‘actively resist,’ Ken?”

“If we persist in seeing an event as having, not two equal sides, in accordance with the natural laws of symmetry and synchronicity, but just one, then we are destined to attract, and be attracted to, events which will help us learn to uncover the other, missing side.”

 

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”
~Kenji Miyazawa, writer

 

 

“ I never thought about those aspects.…”

“How can there be two sides to my miscarriage?  My baby died before coming full term. How can such a terrible event have another side?”

“Sachi, let me offer you an example to help you understand the law.   Climate change is upon us causing all kinds of problems for our present and our future.   We are seeing in the news daily, some new dangerous aspect being highlighted. And, it is painful and scary to hear this information.”

“Yes, it certainly is.   My neighbourhood is already concerned about rising water levels on our shore and lowering property values.”

“But, there is another side, which few people are talking about.”

“Another side to global warming!” she exclaimed in disbelief.

“For sure. It is only rarely we hear about the determination being displayed by humanity to cope with the situation or the new research by us being generated by the situation or even the new jobs being created and the new opportunities for many, many people.”

“ I never thought about those aspects.” Sachi said.

I kept going,

“Also, the new forms of wealth being created by what we’re learning or the new global relationships being developed or the new era of cooperation occurring in our global family or even the new survival skills we are developing, exemplified in our new space exploration initiatives.”

“Grieving is really focusing only on the loss and not noticing the new transformed benefits…”

“So, even climate change has two sides to it…is that what you are saying always happens in the natural world?”

“Yes, I am, Sachi!  And, it happens in our own lives as well.  A person is always wiser and stronger from every past experience, they are transformed in some important way.  And, the proof is they are alive and functioning in the present moment.”

“That suggests then,… I got wiser and stronger from my miscarriage, right?” she said, putting the balance law in place in her own life.

“Grieving is really focusing only on the loss and not noticing the new transformed benefits that occurred at the moment of loss…the gain.” I offered.

Sachi sat quietly for a moment before coming back with a sort of question,

“So, when I miscarried, there were gains or benefits to me which have contributed to where I am today…which is… I’m getting ready to get pregnant again?” she said, raising her own awareness and surprising herself.

 

“…I am more determined to have a baby partly because I had my miscarriage…”

Then she added as an afterthought,

“Ken, as I say that out loud… I realize I am more determined to have a baby partly because I had my miscarriage…so that is one example me being wiser and stronger…is it not?”

“That’s very insightful, Sachi.   And, I also think it’s true. When you and Sam are talking about having a baby, you both seemed very determined to make it happen.”

Then I added,

“Are there any other transformational benefits to your miscarriage you notice as we discuss it now?”

”When I lost my own baby, I recall now, I became very focused and attentive to my sister, Susan, who was struggling with post party depression.  So, I got to mother my new nephew, Stephen, for a while during her recovery. We are still very close.”

“Anything else?” I asked, encouraging her insight to grow.

“Learn to see the gift in the adversity. By doing this you will begin to find true peace in your struggle.”

― Stacey Urrutia, author

 

 

“I gained a clarity and certainty about myself and my future…”

“Ken, it was not long after this time that I parted from Sheldon, ending a relationship I realized had no future.   So, looking back, I got control of my freedom…I guess my own life, as well.”

“Interesting isn’t it?”

“And, I think I learned to value myself more when I left Sheldon.  I realized my future was too important to me to spend with him. We just wanted to go in different directions.”

“I think you are seeing the symmetry and synchronicity law playing out in your life really well.  Are there any other insights coming up, Sachi?”

“Yes, looking back now, I can see clearly how my relationship with Sheldon prepared me for my relationship with Sam.   I learned more clearly what I wanted and what kind of person I wanted it with. I gained a clarity and certainty about myself and my future from both my miscarriage and my first marriage.”

 

“… as you uncover the symmetry and synchronicity… you experience less regret and more appreciation…”

“It sounds like when you experienced the loss in your miscarriage you also experienced a rebirth of yourself and your future which eventually evolved into your marriage to Sam.   Does that make sense to you, Sachi?”

“It really does, Ken.  I never saw it before. It looks kind of logical or natural even.   I see now what you mean when you say, nature is perfect and there are no mistakes in it.”

“Let me see if I can summarize the transformations which have happened since you miscarried with your first pregnancy, OK?”

“Sure!”

“You said you lost a future child, but gained the opportunity to help with Stephen, your nephew.  You said you lost a future child but gained freedom from an unhealthy relationship. And, you said you lost a future child but became more determined to have another child.”

“Yes, I did say that, didn’t I?”

“Sachi, can you see, as you uncover the symmetry and synchronicity of that moment of miscarriage, you experience less regret and more appreciation for how your miscarriage has served you to get you to be here?”

“Yes, I can see that clearly now!   What I thought I lost during my miscarriage, I gained in other forms.  That’s why I’m ready to get pregnant with Sam now. I get it now! Thank you, Ken!”

“Sachi, thank yourself, thank your perfect past, and especially, thank the grandly organized design of our universe!”

 

“Every life event, without exception, prepares us for our future.”
– King Ayles, author