Seeking joy…the costs, revealed!

“Joy and sorrow are inseparable. . . together they come and when one sits alone with you . . remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
– Khalil Gibran, poet

 

 

“I want to find more joy in my life!”

Ed, aged 35, was divorced from Ebony for over six years.  They were co-parenting their daughter, Eria, aged 8. They had some initial conflicts over time, money and holidays, but they had worked them out and come to a mutual, respectful arrangement.  Eria was thriving and both were pleased. Also, Ebony had remarried and had a new baby. Ed, however, was stuck.

As he explained all this to me, I noted Ed presented himself as a man’s man.  He seemed to be working hard at being a male in his life. He looked the part with his beard, checkered, flannel shirt, jeans and direct manner of communicating.  And, he projected an enthusiasm which seemed contrived, not quite real…like he had to work hard at it, either to convince himself, or perhaps others, of its’ genuineness.

When I asked him how I could serve him, he replied,

“I’m not sure, Ken!   But, what I am sure of is…I want to find more joy in my life!  Can you help me with that?”

“Joy is often a misunderstood word, Ed.  It’s origins are obscure but seems to come from at least the 12th century where it meant, ‘feelings of pleasure and delight.’  What do you mean by joy, Ed?’”

“Ken, I want to be happy!  That’s basically it…just…happy!”

 

“… I was so excited about being a dad.  It was awesome!”

“Tell me of a time when you were happy and joyful, Ed.” I asked, wondering how he had been understanding these words.

“When Eria was born, for sure!” he replied.

I said,

“Tell me about her birth!”

“I remember holding and rocking her the day she was born in the hospital’s neonatal unit.  She was a little premature so she had to stay a few more days until she gained some weight.   She was so beautiful…I remember it vividly, I was so excited about being a dad. It was awesome!” he said, smiling for the first time.

“Ed, while you were rocking Eria, what else was going through your mind about being a dad?”

“Nothing really!   I was just focused on her, Ken!”

 

“…looking for joy…is being unaware…and makes me more vulnerable?”

“That’s not how your mind works, Ed.  The natural world, in which we live, is a dualistic one.  This dualism keeps us on our toes and vigilant, so we can protect ourselves and others.  So, I want you to think carefully again about that memory of rocking your new daughter.”

“Well, I was worried about her gaining the weight she needed, and about Ebony’s recovery of course.  But, I was most focused on the joy of being Eria’s father.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what anyone would do, we focus the pleasure of the moment and try to avoid or ignore the pain…that’s how we create the illusion of joy.  But, the truth is the pain is also present then, too.”

“Yes, I suppose it is, Ken.  But why focus on it when you can focus on the pleasure part…the good part?” he asked, genuinely mystified.

”When you focus on just one side of the duality of a situation, you are noticing one half of the situation, so you are less prepared for what can happen next, you are less aware and so more vulnerable.” I suggested.

“Are you telling me looking for joy in life is being unaware of this duality stuff and it makes me more vulnerable?”

“Trust life, and it will teach you, in joy and sorrow, all you need to know.”
– James A. Baldwin, author

 

 

“…not just joy but a counterbalancing sorrow…makes it real, genuine and truthful!”

“Yes, Ed, I am!  If you focus on either side of the duality and ignore the other, you handicap yourself and endanger yourself in some way.  At the moment you were rocking Eria, what, looking back now, were you not noticing or perhaps ignoring?”

Ed looked away as his face dropped into a very serious expression of tightening eyes and a clenching jaw.

“I can see it now…it was Ebony.  She had a tough delivery, a c-section, and a slow recovery.  I was kind of ignoring what she was going through…I felt caught between the two loves of my life during that time.”

“Ed, that’s the natural law and that’s the way it is supposed to be…not just joy but a counterbalancing sorrow.  That’s what makes it real, genuine and truthful!”

“But, Ken that means there’s no happiness to be found on earth…I will never be happy!  No one will ever be happy!”

 

“What could be more valuable than being happy?”

“That’s because there is something more valuable and more attainable, Ed!”

“What could be more valuable than being happy?  I can’t even imagine that!”

“Ed, you’ve been a dad now for over eight years.  Do you still feel joy every time you are with Eria?”

“Sure!  When I watch her play with her cousins and when she’s sleeping…times like that!”

“I suspect there are other times when the opposite is going on…like disappointment and frustration, for example?”

“For sure!  She can be a handful at times, like any kid.” he said.

“So, you don’t just experience joy with Eria, but also painful challenges, as well?”

“Yeah…for sure!”

 

 

“Her little nose…I also could see Ebony’s nose, Ebony’s assertiveness…”

“Ed, would you find me a recent, clear memory of you watching Eria sleep?”

“She was with me last week.  It was Tuesday evening and I was heading to bed and went to check on her.  She was sprawled all over the bed, uncovered. So, I covered her up and stood watching her for a minute.”

“If this duality law is true, then you will be able to tell me the pleasure and pain of that moment.   Have a careful look into what you were thinking about at that moment.”

Ed sat back in the chair momentarily before saying,

“I noticed the fact she has my hair colour…jet black and she is such a beautiful person..kind, considerate…and, still just a child.”

“And, where was the duality, the pain, to that memory, Ed?”

“It was there too!  I can see it, Ken.” he said, resigning reluctantly to the natural law.

“What went through your mind, Ed?”

“Her little nose, Ken!  I also could see Ebony’s nose, Ebony’s assertiveness, even her moodiness.   Do you know Eria expects us both to do the dishes right after eating…no waiting till later when I feel more rested…” he said, with a half smile.

 

“Joy and sorrow are the light and shade of life; without light and shade no picture is clear.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan, teacher

 

 

“…I’ve been chasing leprechauns or the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.”

“Excellent insight, Ed!  Now, when you notice both sides of that moment in time, do you still love your daughter?”

“Of course!” he replied, indignantly.

“When you see both sides of the moment, are you filled with one sided ‘joy’ or pleasure, or instead, two sided love which is pleasure and pain equally, Ed?”

“I love Eria, …I know she can be a challenge, but I still love her, regardless!”

“Can you see that’s what love is…half pleasure and half pain…it’s the natural way of love?  To seek one sided joy is to look for an impossibility…a fantasy…an illusion!” I offered.

“It’s like you’re saying I’ve been chasing leprechauns or the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.” he said laughing at his own metaphors.

“Lots of us try to for a while, Ed.” I replied, smiling back.

This began Ed’s journey into chasing the truth of his life, learning to appreciate himself, his daughter and his future.  It was the start of Ed uncovering the privilege of his life as it is, not as a fantasy!

 

“Only by joy and sorrow does a person know anything about themselves and their destiny. They learn what to do and what to avoid.”
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, composer