Seven Areas of Life Affected by Divorce: Part 1

…although the symmetries are hidden from us, we can sense that they are latent in nature, governing everything about us. That’s the most exciting idea I know: that nature is much simpler than it looks.
~Steven Weinberg

Failure or Symmetry?

Half of all marriages end in divorce; half of all divorcees remarry and the other half remain single; half of those who stay married are content to do so, the other half stay married because of money, safety or children. These 50/50 splits are naturally following the law of symmetry. Divorce’s primary personal purpose is to evolve our levels of self worth.
So the truth is, divorce is not a failure, nor is a long marriage a success. Rather, both are simply tools to rebuild our self-value. Let me explain…
We view life as a circle, comprised of 7 areas:

SPIRITUAL
MENTAL
VOCATIONAL
FINANCIAL
SOCIAL
FAMILY
PHYSICAL

When you think about these 7 areas of life, you are probably very conscious of how divorce affected all 7 areas. I’m sure you have had discussions with friends and family members about all the negative ways these areas have been impacted by your divorce. I don’t deny that. I know it happens. It happens everyday.

However, the Law of Symmetry says there has to be another side – this duality business. That means that for every cost, there has to be an equal benefit. For every loss, there has to be an equal gain. And what if you found those? What if you sought out and found those? What a difference it would make in how you deal with your life. How you deal with your future. How you deal with all the relationships in your life. That’s what I want to explore today.

SEVEN AREAS OF LIFE AFFECTED BY DIVORCE

We are going to look at each one and look for the symmetry that happens in each area when someone goes through a divorce:

1. Spiritual
Spiritually, you are aware of how your inner being felt undermined, threatened or sabotaged; how you felt disconnected from your spiritual source whatever form it took. You felt alienated and abandoned by your connection to the universe.

Yet, it is also true that divorce made your spirit stronger, wiser and more determined than ever before to get on with your life; to seize your future and make it your own, to grow spiritually, to seek out your spirituality, maybe to renew your spirituality.

That’s what I want you to notice: what is the other side? There’s no doubt it’s really dispiriting to go through a divorce, but it’s equally inspiring to go through a divorce. I want you to look for both and to see the benefits and costs equally. That will allow you to move forward with your life.

2. Mental
When we look at the mental area of your life, we’re talking about your self worth, self esteem, self confidence, all that stuff.

Mentally, divorce often challenges your self-worth, undermining your self esteem and self confidence, leaving you devaluing yourself. We often feel stupid, out of touch…as if we did something wrong. Yet we really can’t place a finger on what it is we did.

Yet, divorce also provides us with an opportunity to grow our self-worth by demanding we take risks which build new areas of success which we didn’t have before. Ask yourself: “How did I grow myself during my divorce?” “How did I gain self esteem?” “Where did I gain self worth?” “In what areas, what events, what people?” How did I learn to appreciate myself more?”

I remember a consult with Dorothy, a 40 year-old successful manager with a placating, submissive style and a long history of abusive relationships. Her divorce grew her self confidence and self worth to the point where she initiated court action to protect herself and her children.

It’s true; divorce is a duality, a 50-50. You lost self worth, but you also gained self worth is some form. I’m suggesting you go find it, and see how they are actually a trade-off for each other. I see that in my practice every day. And once you own both sides, then you can move forward.

3. Vocational
Vocational is your work, your career. It’s common for people to feel very isolated, vulnerable financially, and to often change careers because of a divorce. So when you think about the cost vocationally, you often lose income, feel very fragile economically. You feel like you are now, in a sense, required to be more independent. Your luxury of being dependent on somebody else is gone

Vocationally divorce can impact your work and career by creating feelings of betrayal of your aspirations and abandonment by your spouse to face the future alone. We often experience burn-out at work and lose our spark.

All that is the down side, in terms of the vocational area during divorce. So as you look at your life experiences in that context and say, “Okay, this is what I lost vocationally, but how did I gain?”

Divorce also made us feel more independent, more in control of our own future career and more decisive in many areas of our work life. Rob was a 36 year old man IT technician with three young children whose wife left him. She took the kids claiming he was unreliable, providing him with the incentive to develop a profitable internet business to support his three children. His divorce and the hardships and heartbreaks it caused was a catalyst for a new beginning in his financial life, as well as in his personal life. It helped him to redefine what wealth was, and even what his career was.

My guess is that some of the ways you gained are that you, perhaps, changed your perception of your career; you value it differently now, you have perhaps a more conscious career plan. You may be seeking out more opportunity in your career. You may be planning your career’s future much more carefully now.

And of course, all these are important benefits to your future, regardless of your marital status. So, while we’re on the losses to your vocational area, notice the gains. See how the losses and gains counter-balance each other perfectly within your value system.
Namaste, Ken

in Part 2, we’ll look at the remaining four areas – Financial, Social, Family and Physical Health.

Until then, look at both sides of the Spiritual, Mental and Vocational areas of your divorce and take the Divorce Quiz below

Self Esteem from Divorce Quiz

Answer each statement as True or False .
I will bet at least three, and usually more, of these benefits are true for you.
Read each of the seven quiz questions carefully marking True (T) or False (F) , honestly.