Sibling rivalry is a cop out, it is really illusion-dissolving love!

“If parents are the fixed stars in the child’s universe, the vaguely understood, distant but constant celestial spheres, siblings are the dazzling, sometimes scorching comets whizzing nearby.” – Alison Gopnik, psychologist

 

“My mom…more disorientated, more often…my dad…very feeble…”

“Tom was a 40 year old man who arrived hating his only brother, Tyler.  Tom was clean cut, well dressed and very precise in his language and actions.  He said he hated Tyler because he wouldn’t do his share in the care of their sick and aging parents!  Their father, Thomas Sr., was 87 years of age and had a serious heart condition. Their mother, Thelma, was 83 years of age and had advanced Alzheimer’s disease.

Tom worked as a flight attendant and so had a work schedule that varied.  His parents lived with him. So, he had to arrange 24 hour care for them when he was away at work.  Tyler helped with the cost, but he would not take his parents to his home when Tom needed to work.

Tyler was married with two teenage kids.  Tom has no long term significant other in his life.  He alluded to this situation being related to having no time for a relationship because of his parents’ care.

When I asked Tom how long he had been caring for his parents he replied,

“Ken, it’s been over five years now.  And, things seem to be getting worse. My mom seems to be more disorientated, more often.  And, my dad is getting very feeble now. I’m not sure really what to do!”

 

 

“I told him he was being unfair to me…”

“What is the most challenging part for you Tom that perhaps I could assist you with?”

“There is not much more I can do for my parents than I’m already doing.   But, my brother’s attitude and behaviour towards our situation pisses me off, royally,” his anger rising in his throaty voice.

“Tom, tell me more about his attitude and behaviour.”

“Well, for example…I caught an opportunity to do an international flight to Greece and thought I might stay a few extra days to relax and unwind.   I wanted Tyler to take care of our parents while I was away. Our regular care provider was not available and, it’s really hard to get someone to come in for that length of time.”

“How did Tyler respond to your request for help?”

“Basically, he said, ‘No!’” he said, his indignation refreshed by that empowering word.

“How did you deal with his response, Tom?”

“I told him he was being unfair to me, that he wasn’t carry his share of the load; and that something had to change!” he replied, his eyes flashing with his anger.

“The greatest thing about siblings is you constantly have someone putting you in check; there’s no room to get delusional about yourself.” – Erin Foster, writer

 

 

“We almost came to blows and that scared me…”

“And, he said…?” I asked.

“He said he had a family to look after,  that I had nothing better to do anyway, ‘flying around the world at my leisure for free’ and that I was our parents’ favourite anyway!”

“it sounds like it got pretty heated.   How did things end up, Tom?”

“We ranted at each other for about five minutes, like we used to do when we were kids, but, he reluctantly agreed to help me search for someone to look after them.  That’s the best I was able to achieve and we still haven’t found anyone yet. We almost came to blows and that scared me…which is what brought me to your door.”

“Tom, I can help you with this situation if your willing to learn to look at your life from a biological and physical perspective.   Would that interest you?”

“I’m interested in anything that will help me deal with my brother and this situation.” he replied, emphatically.

 

“… love isn’t just hugs, it’s also a boot in the butt, half the time.”

“OK.  Let’s start with the biology.   You and Tyler are brothers which means you love each other even if you don’t get along half the time.  You share a close genetic and personal history.”

“But, if we love each other, how come we still argue like 10 year olds?” he said, genuinely amazed yet curious.

“That suggests you may not understand how love works in nature.  Do you want to understand the physics and biology of love, Tom?”

“Like I said, I’m interested in anything that could help me, Ken.”

“OK.  In biology, love means supporting and challenging someone to help them learn survival skills.   That’s why your parent’s lovingly supported and challenged you, in raising you. That’s why you’re alive today and talking to me, right now.  With me, so far?”

“So, love isn’t just hugs, it’s also a boot in the butt, half the time.  That kind of makes sense. What else?”

 

“… he wasn’t supporting me…there was support somewhere else.”

“Not only does your parents and brother love you, this universe also loves you…or if you prefer, nature loves you.  It supports and challenges you as well to ensure your survival and evolution. Your family are just part of this natural system.  Still with me, Tom?”

“Yeah, I think so.   You’re saying life, also, supports and challenges me, too!”

“Exactly!   And, what’s really vital to notice is the support and challenge balance each other out at each moment of your life.   They balance out in compliance with one of nature’s fundamental laws…symmetry or synchronicity.”

“If you’re saying nature always provides equal amount of support and challenge at every moment of my life, that means when Tyler and I were arguing…and he wasn’t supporting me…there was support somewhere else.   Is that what you mean, Ken?”

 

“I want you to close your eyes and go to that moment …”

“Yes, bang on, Tom!   And, when you can identify where that support was, it changes how you perceive Tom, Tyler, the event… and, the rest of your life.”

“That’s an interesting idea.  Can you show me how to uncover the support that was supposed to be there during our argument, because I do not see it, Ken.”

“Let’s do that right now!  I want you to close your eyes and go to that moment when you were arguing with Tyler.   Tell me where you were, who else was there and when it occurred.”

Tom’s lids dropped as he closed his eyes and went back to his argument with Tyler.

“It was about three weeks ago when he dropped by my place to say hello to Mom and Dad.   They were both dozing and watching TV in my den. We were in the kitchen by ourselves having a coffee.”

“OK!   Go inside that moment and hear yourself asking Tyler for his assistance and listen to his refusal.”

“I hope that people will realize that the struggle to make a life better with a sibling is worth it.” – Marie Brenner, writer

 

 

“…they have to be there…it is a law of nature, look again!”

He nodded and I continued,

“Now, notice how you coped with his decision not to care for your parents while you were away.  And, being aware of how frustrated you were at that moment, look carefully inside yourself for how it was a benefit to you that he was refusing you?”

Behind his closed eyes, Tom said,

“I was telling him, I do most of their care.  And, I do most of the worrying, as well. I told him, he was not pulling his fair share of the weight of having aging parents and I wanted it to change…that I needed time for a life just as much as he does.”

“As you hear yourself saying these things to him then and to me now, how did it benefit you to have the opportunity, the privilege of getting to voice this to your brother?”

“I don’t know…I can’t see any benefits, Ken.”

“Look carefully, they have to be there…it is a law of nature, look again!”

There was a pause, a silence while I waited for him to find what I knew had to be there.. but was simply out of his awareness.

 

 

“If I feel their safe and well cared for, I can relax myself…”

Finally, he started to uncover his truth,

“Well, I suppose it was enabling me to protect my parents.  We hear so much about elder abuse now and I am very devoted to my parents’ well being and safety…especially with my Mom’s Alzheimer’s”

And, if you can provide protection to your parents how does that serve other parts of your life, Tom?” I asked.

“If I feel their safe and well cared for, I can relax myself…it’s a major de-stressor for me.” he replied.

“And, since then you can relax yourself, how does that help you?”

“Then, I can focus more on my life…like my love life for instance.  I haven’t had a real date in ages.”

“And, if you had a love life, Tom, how would that be an advantage for you?” I asked.

“Ken, I think I wouldn’t feel so alone with my parent’s care and have more motivation generally.” he said next.

“Tom, if you had more motivation generally, what would be its’ value to you at this point in time?”

“I think I would feel more focused at work and more satisfied with my career.”

“If you felt more focused and satisfied in your work, how would that be better for you?

 

 

“… to honour your most important values…your parents, your love life, your work and your self esteem.”

“Ken, I think I would have more self esteem and self confidence!” he said, putting it all together in his mind and realizing the importance of his argument with Tyler.

”Tom, from what you just said, it sounds like your opportunity to express yourself to Tyler enabled you to honour your most important values including your parents, your love life, your work and your self esteem.  Can you see that now?”

“Yes, I can, Ken!   But, why do I have to tell my only brother what I value, shouldn’t he  already know?” he asked sarcasm in his tone.

“It’s been my experience that most people are unaware of the hierarchy of their highest values.  They often cite social idealism like joy, happiness or success.”

Then I added,

“I was wondering if you were really clear about your own values before I asked you to identify how it might have served you to have that argument with Tyler.    Did those questions clarify what is most important to you, Tom?”

“Actually, they did!  And, I was noticing it, as I responded.  I can see much more clearly how what I said to Tyler was actually a list of my most important values.  And, that’s the balance part isn’t it…the law you mentioned before?” he said, putting two and two together.

 

“… Tyler has actually been helping me motivate myself…”

“Yes Tom, it is indeed!  When Tyler refused your request, the pain of his refusal was counterbalanced by the benefit in clarifying, and saying out loud, what is most important to you in life.”

“So Tyler was helping me without even knowing it…is that what was happening?”

“You were both unconscious of it but now you know.  And, you know, you know! So, your increased awareness gives you the added responsibility of using this knowledge wisely, Tom.”

“How do I do that?”

“I can show you how you can apply the same process to any, and every, moment of your past when you perceived, primarily pain or primarily pleasure.   As you clear out these delusions, one sides perceptions, it frees you to be who you need to be, do what you need to do to honour your highest values so you can have what you desire in your life.”

“I’m game for that, Ken!   Can we start right away?”

“We already have, Tom.  So, let’s continue by looking at another memory you have of a conflict with Tyler.”

Tom worked hard exploring all the one sided perceptions he carried of Tyler.   When he had completed this process, the Demartini Method™, on his perceptions of Tyler, he was in tears of gratitude for the role his brother plays in his life.  As he was finishing up he said,

“Ken, I realize now, Tyler has actually been helping me motivate myself to care for our parents.  And, I really wouldn’t be comfortable leaving them with him for extended period because I would worry too much he might not be diligent enough in his care of them because he has so much other distracting stuff going on with his marriage and his parenting.”

“So, no mistakes, only learning opportunities, eh Tom?”

“That’s what I’m learning…for sure!” he replied.

 

“Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony.” – Elizabeth Fishel, writer