Stress-free is a fantasy, like unicorns! Managing your stress is your goal!

 

“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future…” – Eckhart Tolle, author

“… I want to be free from my anxiety!”

Vicky (Victoria) was a 16 years old, tall, slender glass of water, with long limbs, straight blondish hair and fine facial features…a typical ballerina!  And, that was what she loved to do, ballet. She was in grade 11 and a studious and consistent academic performer. In dance, she also worked hard and did well.

Vicky’s parents, Val and Valdez, were well educated professionals from whom Vicky had probably learned her strong work ethic.  They had sent Vicky to see me because they were concerned she was developing some sort of ‘stage fright’ lately, getting nauseous just before practices and public events.  They were surprised and mystified by this. And, Vicky was too! She had been missing too much ballet because of this anxiety and so agreed to come work with me.

When I asked Vicky what she wanted to achieve by coming to work with me, she replied with that certainty that occurs among the young.

“I want to be free from my anxiety…to have no stress about dancing, which I so love doing!” she said, her infatuation mixed up with her passion.

 

“But, why don’t they know it or believe it,…?

“So, you like to dance!   Cool! But, do you still believe in Santa Claus or unicorns or the Easter Bunny?” I asked with a half smile, curbing her enthusiasm so we could get to the bigger issues.

She smiled back with a mature air, saying , “No, Ken, of course not!   I’m long past that stuff.”

“I ask Vicky because ‘stress free’ or ‘anxiety free’ or even ‘worry free’ are from the land of fantasy, too!   They really don’t exist for anyone…unless they are dead or heavily drugged…because stress is an indication of being alive and growing as a person.”

“You mean anxiety is a good thing…it is supposed to be helping me grow somehow?” she asked, skeptically.

“Yes, that’s it, Vicky!  But most people don’t know it or don’t believe it!”

“But, why don’t they know it or believe it, Ken?” she asked, genuinely curious.

 

“…if I look carefully at my anxiety, I could learn to manage it…yes?

“That’s an insightful question, Vicky.  In my experience, they don’t know it because they haven’t looked at the value of their stress to their life.”

“Do you mean people just assume it is a bad thing and don’t look for it’s good parts?”

“Exactly, and, if they don’t believe it…this is often because they don’t want the accountability for managing their anxiety…because that’s the name of the game…the goal we all seek.”

“So, you’re saying they don’t know because they haven’t looked carefully.  And, they don’t believe because they are afraid they can’t learn to do it. Is that what you mean?”

“That’s it, precisely!   And, a great synopsis.”

“That would mean if I look carefully at my anxiety, I could learn to manage it…yes?”

“Yes!   But, please remember, you have been managing your anxiety all your life, and  quite successfully. All you‘d be doing this time is, taking a skill you already have and, applying it to a new area of your life.  Do you understand that, Vicky?”

“Yes, I think so.” she said, hesitantly.

 

 

 

“Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity.” – T. S. Eliot, poet

 

 

“Do you want to know the seven ways that happens first?”

“Now, since you have been managing your anxiety successfully already, that also means, it has been helping you in your life.  For example, you have been making good grades because you know how to manage the anxiety of school like attendance, class projects, tests, exams, peer pressure, etc.  Yes?”

“I suppose that’s true, isn’t it!  I never thought of school like that before.  And, I do manage school stress OK.” she said, an air of personal pride in her young voice.

“And, learning to manage school stress has benefitted you in many ways with good grades, new friends and other things, eh?” I offered.

“Yes, I can see that!   But Ken, I don’t see how stress or dance anxiety is benefitting me in any way.”

“Well, actually, every event benefits and costs us in seven unique ways to keep us focused on our well being and our future.  Do you want to know the seven ways that happens first? And, then we will find yours, OK?”

“Sure!”

 

“… but also good effects in each of those seven places in my life.”

“First, every event in life supports and challenges our spirit, our attitude toward or enthusiasm for, our life (Spiritual).  Second, it supports and challenges our mental perception of our self which is our self-esteem and self-confidence (Mental).”

“They are very important. we talked about that in health class last year.”

“Indeed they are, Vicky.  Third, it also impacts how we deal with our vocation or work…like school for a person your age (Vocational).  Fourth, it also affects how we value or don’t value ourselves…our self-worth, (Financial) our most important form of wealth.”

“Ken, that makes sense too!”

“Fifth, it changes how we relate socially to others, like friends, neighbours or classmates (Social).  Sixth, it has an influence, in both ways, on our own family relationships (Familial). And, finally, it enhances and detracts from our physical health (Physical).”

“So, if I understand this…that means my ‘dance anxiety’ has to be not just causing me bad effects, but also good effects in each of those seven places in my life.  Am I getting this, Ken?”

“You sure are, Vicky!   Now let’s go find the impacts you haven’t been noticing because you were only noticing the bad effects…let’s find the good ones, too.   Then you will be in a better position, more balanced, to manage your anxiety. Agreed?”

“Agreed!”

 

“Finally, the feeling went away.”

“Vicky, I want you to close your eyes and go to your worst memory of what you have been calling your ‘dance anxiety’?  When was it, where was it, who was there and what happened at the very second you felt this anxiousness?”

Vicky closed her eyes, put her head back a bit and I waited.

“Dad was driving me to my 6:30 ballet practice last Tuesday.  We were late, Dad had been delayed at work and so we were rushing.  As we were approaching the practice hall, I got this terrible feeling of anxiety right in the pit of my stomach and I thought I was going to vomit right in the car.”

“What happened then?”

“I told Dad and he pulled the car over to the side of the street and turned it off.  He took my hand, telling me everything would be OK, to take some deep breaths and that would relax my stomach.”

“Then what happened?”

“We sat there quietly while I breathed deeply for about ten minutes. Finally, the feeling went away.  Dad said I should skip this practice and we went home. Mom made me a cup of herbal tea to relax me and settle my stomach.”

 

 

“The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs.” – Wayne Dyer, psychologist

 

“… were probably disappointed in me for missing a class.”

“So let’s look carefully at what you have been noticing first which was the negative stuff, which by the way, are true and need your respect.  What are they Vicky?”

“Well, I felt physically sick (Physical) which was painful, right?   And, I missed my practice…which was my work (Vocational), right?”

“Two for two…right on!”

“I kinda lost my spirit, my enthusiasm (Spirit) for dance at that second and I lost my self confidence (Mental) as well!  And, I missed the time with my friends (Social) in the dance class, didn’t I?”

“All true as well, Vicky.  Now, what about your family relationships and your self worth?”  I asked, impressed with how she was covering the territory so quickly and accurately.

“I think Dad and Mom (Familial) were probably disappointed in me for missing a class.  My dance sessions are not cheap. And, I was also disappointed in myself (Mental) for not going!”

 

 

“It reminded me I am special to him…”

“OK, you have identified all the negatives.  Now, let’s find the other side…the positives, the benefits at that second of ‘dance anxiety.’  What’s one you can identify right away as you revisit that second in your mind?”

Vicky closed her eyes again.  And, I waited confident she would uncover them because nature ensures they are there at every second of our life, a second of perfect balance, symmetry and synchronicity.

Her eyes watered briefly as she started off with,

“Ken, I was surprised how Dad responded so quickly and so caringly (Familial).   You know…by stopping the car right away, holding my hand and reassuring me…all in a matter of what seemed like seconds…I felt so loved, so close to him at that second…I sometimes feel forgotten when he and Mom work so much…”

“So, you felt closer to your Dad at that second! OK!  What else?” I asked.

“It reminded me I am special to him which kind of invigorated me (Spirit) at that second and helped me value myself, (Financial) too!”

 

 

“Tension is the great integrity.” – R. Buckminster Fuller, inventor

 

“… I realized I needed some help to build my confidence…”

“Cool!   What else was a benefit?”

“Well, I didn’t barf in my Dad’s car, so I managed the awful feeling of pain in my stomach, (Physical) didn’t I?” she said, collecting another benefit.

“Yes!  What else?”

“As I was managing the urge to throw up, I realized I wasn’t going to give up my dance, (Vocational) I was going to find a way to continue.  And, I was missing my friends (Social) at dance practice.”

Then she added,

“Ken, I think that’s when I realized I needed some help to build my confidence (Mental) in dealing with this situation.  So, later when my parents suggested talking to you I agreed right away.”

“You have now uncovered seven benefits or advantages which were also occurring synchronically in time and symmetrically in that place…Vicky, this is the natural laws in action.”

“That’s amazing, Ken!   And, when I think about that second now, it doesn’t seem so bad…it kind of feels OK to me!” she said, thoughtfully.

 

 

“…my mind operates on the same principles as my body…”

That’s your mind noticing the inherent symmetry and synchronicity in your biological brain.   It’s like when your body automatically finds a new state of physical balance when you move from standing on two feet to standing on one foot, …your brain does the same thing.  And, now you’re aware that it’s going on, all the time!”

“So, my mind operates on the same principles as my body…and I wasn’t noticing it.  Is that what you mean?”

“Yes, that’s it Vicky!   Most people don’t notice it, but it is going on, regardless.  It is what enables us to learn, evolve and survive…it is very important!”

“That would mean then every second in the past I have had ‘dance anxiety’ there was disadvantages and advantages balancing each other, correct?”

“Exactly!  And, we need to visit enough of them and find those two sides, so you can prove to yourself the truth of that statement.  Then, because you have raised your level of awareness, your perception of ‘dance anxiety’ moves from fear to appreciation because now you are aware of how ‘dance anxiety’ serves you in each area of your life.”

 

 

“I’m lucky to have it, aren’t I?”

“So, I need to uncover the two sides to my other ‘dance anxiety’ seconds, right?”

“We will do enough of them so you can demonstrate to yourself that ‘dance anxiety’ is an important learning tool for you and your future.  Are you ready to do that?”

“I sure am!  Let’s do it!” she said, enthusiastically.

Vicky had five or six other ‘dance anxiety’ seconds she needed to process.  As she completed each one, her certainty of the value of her ‘dance anxiety’ rose.  Near the end of our work I remember her saying,

“Ken, my ‘dance anxiety’ is what has been keeping me on track and learning in every part of my life.  I’m lucky to have it, aren’t I?”

“Indeed you are, Vicky!”

 

“The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson, poet