THE MOST IMPORTANT THING MY EX HELPED ME LEARN WAS…!

“The purpose of relationships is to help awaken you to the inherent balance existing within and around you, and to assist you in acknowledging your own magnificence and wholeness.” – John F. Demartini, writer

 

“But, her second spouse, Bob, was a different story!”

Beverley had just gone through her second divorce.   She was a tall, dark haired woman whose hair was preceding, too quickly for her, toward grey.   She was now fifty years of age with three children from her marriages.   Beverley worked as a human resources manager in a mid sized, IT company.

Beverley was a devoted mother who worked hard to stay close to her children.    She had an amicable relationship with her first spouse, Benny, who had raised their daughter, Brittany, now twenty five.   And, she  was negotiating with her second spouse, Bob, who was angry and bitter she was leaving him.

Beverley’s parents had divorced when she was quite young.   She had worked with me to resolve the confusion it had generated in her and her own relationships.   She was pleased she had been able to build a healthy relationship with her first husband, Benny.   But, her second spouse, Bob, was a different story!

Beverley had carefully planned her second divorce.   She had endeavoured to make it as smooth as possible for her two sons, Norbert and Paul.   She had also tried to arrange the legal and financial aspects to be as fair and respectful to Bob as she could.   But, Bob didn’t seem to be appreciating her efforts.    He was hurt and resentful towards her.

 

“Yes, he’s stonewalling me, again!”

Their divorce proceedings seemed to be going along much more slowly than Beverley wanted.   Beverley was getting frustrated with the lack of progress.   She arrived at her consultation clearly upset with the situation in which she found herself.

She opened with a question, “How much more do I have to do to appease him?”

“You’re referring to Bob, I presume?” I asked.

“Yes, he’s stonewalling me, again!   He is driving me crazy with all these stupid little details about the divorce!   It is so annoying!” she replied, the frustration in her voice and on her face.

“Beverley, would you tell me one of the details that Bob is raising which you find stupid and annoying” I asked her.

“Certainly!   We had a meeting with our lawyers and he demanded I not live in our neighbourhood.   He wants me on the other side of town…a thirty minute drive for me and the kids.” she said with indignation.

“Did he say why he wanted you to live on the other side of town, Beverley?” I asked her.

“He sure did!   He said it was to avoid being embarrassed by my actions of dumping him in front of our friends and neighbours!” she said, the indignation in her voice again and even more strong.

 

“…what else was going on in your thoughts at the very same second.”

“OK!   Beverley, you remember how often we have talked about how there is no pain without pleasure in equal proportion at any moment in life…right?” I asked.

“Yes, I know that damn law of symmetry applies at all times and places.   But I just don’t see how it applies here for me, for the kids or even for him!   I guess it must be one of those  ‘blind spots’ you said we all have because of our values.   Regardless, I still can’t find it!” she replied, her frustration slowing, and deepening, her voice.

“Well, let’s uncover the benefits to you first.   Then we will look at the advantages to your kids and Bob after.    In your mind’s eye, go back to that meeting with your lawyers and listen to what was happening.   Who was talking and what was the gist of what they were saying at the moment when you were the most upset?”

“There was just the four of us sitting around a table and Bob was saying how he was embarrassed about our marriage being over, the kids were confused and upset and he didn’t want anything to make it worse than it already was.” Beverley said.

“Go right back to that very second when you were listening to Bob say these things.   Now go inside yourself and notice what else was going on in your thoughts at the very same second.”

“All I remember was how self righteous he sounded…as if our divorce wasn’t hard on me at all…I felt so angry!” she replied.

 

“There are no mistaken relationships, each one prepares you for the next one.” – King Ayles, author

 

 

“…I had a fleeting thought that probably lasted a millisecond.   But, I remember it now!”

“OK!   As you notice how you felt, what else was also going through your mind that was actually useful or beneficial to you at that very second.   It has to be there, go find it, Beverley!”

I watched her close her eyes.   I could see her eyeballs moving from side to side under her eyelids, searching for the information she hadn’t been noticing before but I knew had to be there.  I waited!

Finally, she opened her eyes.   Then a small, soft, smile spread slowly across her face and she said,

“Ken, I didn’t notice it before but I had a fleeting thought that probably lasted a millisecond.   But, I remember it now!”

“What was that thought, Beverley?” I asked in a quiet thoughtful voice to honour its significance.

“As I listened to him complain to us and remembered all the times in our past he had done the same thing, I realized I had made the right decision to end the marriage.   I needed to move on!” she said.

 

“It reaffirmed all that I had initiated up to that point in time.”

“Why was it so important for you to have that opportunity to be able to say that to yourself?”

“Because I had been beating myself up with self doubt the last few days as I watched our kids make the adjustments to the divorce.” she replied.

“So, what you perceived as his self righteous nit-picking actually gave you the opportunity to reaffirm your decision to divorce?” I asked to cement her awareness.

“Yes, at that second of that thought, I knew it was the right decision for me, the kids and even Bob himself.”

“Beverley, was it a fair trade for you to have that thought at its cost?  In other words, do you regret being at that meeting and having that experience, now?”

“No, not at all!   It reaffirmed all that I had initiated up to that point in time.   Now I see the perfection of it!   Mother nature is so cool!” she said.

“What about your children?   Can you see how it served them as well, even though they weren’t even present at that meeting?”

 

“Divorce enables society to redistribute wealth in a more equitable manner.”
– John Demartini, writer

 

 

“…the law of symmetry prevails at all times and to focus on my thinking instead of my feelings…”

“Looking back now, I can see how that meeting raised my own certainty of my actions and reminds me that our children will be fine.   They will have two parents devoted to them and will work out the new arrangements and be OK.” she replied.

“And, how about Bob?   What is the benefit to him, from your perspective, that he got to say those things at the meeting?” I asked, wondering how far she could take her new level of awareness.

“Ken, I was actually quite surprised by Bob’s level of assertiveness.   He was really standing up for himself and our kids.   From my perspective, that’s new for him and I think it will serve him, and our kids, well in the future.   I think he may make more time for them, and be more attentive, which will bring them closer.” she said with a caring smile.

“So, that meeting with your lawyers was no mistake after all.   As you look back now, does it look and feel different to you?   Is it more just a memory, rather than a nightmare?”

“Yes, that’s it exactly!   But, why wasn’t I able to find the other side myself, Ken?”

“Two ideas come to mind.   First, you may not have believed the duality is present at every second of your life and so hesitated to look for it!   And, second, you may have been distracted by focusing on your emotions, on how you felt, rather than what you thought.” I replied.

“That makes so much sense to me.   So, the learning I can take from this is the law of symmetry prevails at all times and to focus on my thinking instead of my feelings, eh?”

“In my experience, if you do that, you’ll be OK, Beverly!”

“That’s what I’m looking for: OK with me and OK with others!   Thanks Ken!

Then she paused and added, “But that means the most important thing my Ex helped me learn was I’m  OK and  making the right decisions for  me!”

“Bingo Beverley!   No mistakes only learning opportunities!   Cool, eh?”

“Yeah!” she said smiling again.

 

“The purpose of a divorce is to ensure each person learns what they need for their future!” – King Ayles, writer

 

 

Until Next time…

    Now you know, since there are no mistakes in your past, there are no decisions which didn’t serve you in some important way.   Go find the flaws in your unbalanced perceptions and notice how it will inspire you forward in every area of your life.

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Our next seminar is entitled, “How to Bring balance to Life and Purpose to Work!”  It will be on Saturday, October 22nd, 2016. Details are available at ww.kenpiercepsychologist.com

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Namaste, (I salute the grandly organized design of the universe, manifested in you!)

Ken

 

Further information: www.kenpiercepsychologist.com