You Seek Gratitude, Not Happiness!

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.”
– Melody Beattie, writer

 

 

 

 

“She was quick to point out she had ended all these relationships.”

Lara was a 45 year old beautician who owned her own business.  She had no children, and increasingly common, no desire for them.  She seemed quite content with her two cats. But, she also had three nieces and nephews whom she dotted on with attention, affection and gifts.

Lara was a tall, talkative person who arrived dressed in soft green professional garb which made her look like a health professional you walk by in a hospital corridor. And, she had an approach, common to entrepreneurs, marked by practicality and a ‘getting down to business’ attitude.

Lara had three long term relationships to date.  The first was after she finished school and was starting her career.  The next two were marriages, one for seven years and the other for ten.  She was quick to point out she had ended all these relationships. Now, she said, she was at the end of the ‘honeymoon stage’ of the fourth one, with Lamont.

Lamont was a 51 year old plant supervisor who had recently been divorced by his wife of 20 years.   He had three adult children and two grandchildren who captured most of his attention when he wasn’t with Lara.

 

 

“… I’m wondering if I’ve been expecting too much.”

I didn’t need to ask her how I could serve her, she already knew.  After the brief preliminary personal history, she volunteered,

“Ken, I’m here to find out if I should dump Lamont right away or make a go of this relationship!”

“OK!  What are your biggest points of concern or confusion, Lara?” I asked, wondering how much she had considered her situation.

She was already way ahead of me.  She replied,

“I have three concerns, Ken!   First, because of my relationship history, I’m wondering if I’ve been expecting too much.  Second, there are some things he would have to change. And, is that even possible? Third, what if I’m still not happy or satisfied after a year…what do I do then?”

 

 

“… be quite satisfied with mutual respect and some regular appreciation…”

“Let’s take them one at a time, Lara.  What many people expect in a relationship is happiness.  This, of course, is an illusion if you mean all pleasure and no pain or all support and no challenge or only an angel and not also, a devil.  I suspect, you mean something else…is that true?”

“Ken, I’m way passed expecting happiness.  I have never met anyone who is happily married in that way.  Unless, of course, one of them has given up their identity to the other, like my friend, Larissa.  But, while he may say he is happy, she is miserable.” she replied displaying her experience and wisdom.

“So, given happiness isn’t your goal, what is it instead?”

“I would be quite satisfied with mutual respect and some regular appreciation for who I am and what I do!   Is that too much to expect, Ken?”

“Can you expect less and be OK with yourself, Tara?”

“Not really, Ken!   I gotta be me, warts and all, eh?” she said with a half smile announcing her sense of humour was still in tact.

“Every statement you continually repeat to yourself, whether  true or false, becomes incorporated into your belief system.”
– John Demartini, human behaviour expert

 

 

 

“…you just shifted the form of your obsessing from your weight to your work to your health…”

“So, I think you have just answered your first question, yourself.  Nice going! Your second question was about getting people to change.   Have you ever experienced that in the past or know someone who has?”

“Well, my first husband wanted me to slim down so I lost 30 pounds.   But, he was never home anyway and struggled with his own weight, so I felt disrespected.”

“Lara, we don’t really get rid of behaviours or traits, we need them to be who we are.  But, we can change their form if it meets other important values we have.”

“That really makes sense because my obsessing about food shifted to obsessing  about work while I was dropping the 30 pounds. Then, I moved to obsessing about my health which I still do because my family have a history of heart disease.” she replied, getting the idea and running with it.

“So, can you see you just shifted the form of your obsessing from your weight to your work to your health…from one high value to another…we all do that unconsciously!  But, I can show you how to do it consciously which is how you can empower yourself.”

 

“Happiness promoters are exploiting naive people, too…”

“Does that mean I just kept changing the way I empower myself based on my values?”

“Yes, Lara!  We are all doing this to meet our biological need to survive.  But, we humans can do it with awareness, by consciously planning our future, to optimize our dreams.”

“That means we are really only changing the forms of our behaviours, not actually changing ourselves…which means we really don’t change do we?  It just looks that way on the surface…like I change my hairstyle all the time, but I still have hair, eh?”

“You’re getting it now!  Let’s move to your third question…about what to do if you’re not satisfied or happy after a year with Lamont.   Ready to take this one on?”

“Ken, that’s probably the most important one!   I just want to be happy like everyone else does.   Is that too much to ask for or expect? I have really worked hard at having healthy relationships…but, here I am talking to a psychologist!”

“Lara, I bet you don’t believe in unicorns or leprechauns or the Easter Bunny? True?” I asked.

“Of course not!   That’s for children and those who want to exploit naive people, Ken!”

“Happiness promoters are exploiting naive people, too, Lara!”

 

“It is not possible in our body, nor in our mind!”

She looked confused by this and it showed on her face.  She replied,

“How do you mean?”

“If you are seeking a state of pleasure without pain, gain without loss, up without down…you will never find it!   It is not possible in our natural world! It is not possible in our body, nor in our mind!”

She sat back farther in her chair as if to distance herself physically from me and the idea itself.  Then she said,

“Ken, I’d settle for 90% pleasure and 10% pain.  Could I get that? Some days I’d settle for even 55% pleasure and 45 pain!”

“Lara, Mother Nature ensures it is 50-50 balanced, even split at every second of your life and my life, too.  To seek to have only pleasure in your life is delusional thinking or, if you prefer, an illusion!”

 

“Pain breaks the one sided illusion of pleasure that frees understanding.”
– King Ayles, writer

 

 

“Isn’t that just happiness using a different word?”

“Ken, that means every time I’ve said to myself, ‘I just want to be happy…I just want to be happy!’ it has been an exercise in mental self-sabotage, correct?”

“Correct, research has shown, whatever we say to ourselves repeatedly gets incorporated into our belief system, whether it is true or not.”

“That means then, me and a lot of other people are chasing a fantasy!   Is that what you’re telling me?” she said, aghast at hearing herself.

“Yes, I am!   But, do you know what wise people call that even split of 50% pleasure and 50% pain?   They call it gratitude!  How would you like to have more gratitude in your life, Lara?”

“Isn’t that just happiness using a different word?”

“Not really!  Gratitude reflects an appreciation of the balance in Nature and the expectation every pleasure will have an equal amount of pain included.  Let me offer you an example.”

“OK!”

 

“…there is a lot to it, isn’t there?”

“Lara, are you happy with your pet cats?”

“Indeed I am very happy about them!  They are both very special to me. They are waiting for me at the door purring every day when I get home.” she said, beaming.

“Your comments suggest to me you are noticing the pleasure of your pets, their beauty, loyalty and devotion.   But, because you have values, your pets also have to be an equal source of pain as well. What form does that take, Lara?”

“Well, I guess I do have to feed them and clean up after them…is that what you mean?”

“That’s a part of it, but what else?  Because the pain and pleasure must equilibrate each other within your value system.”

I paused and waited for her to mull this over a bit.

“Well, there is the vet fees!  They can be substantial at times.”

“What else, Lara?”

“There is also wear and tear on my furniture from their nails.”

“What else?”

“Well, there is the boarding fees when I travel, as well.”

“What else?”

 

“And, there is also the worry they are OK which hangs in the back of my mind a lot because I want them to be healthy.   So, that is an ongoing responsibility I carry around…there is a lot to it, isn’t there?” she said, as she collected all her previous statements together.

 

“It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up.” –  Eckhart Tolle, author

 

 

“…you are grateful for your pets even though they also create pain for you.”

“As you describe it in more detail, there is lots of pain involved in being a pet owner.  Now, you have made yourself more aware of it. Now, you have a more truthful perception of your pets.   But, now also, you are grateful for your pets even though they also create pain for you.”

“It seems like I stopped infatuating them… but I still…love them, don’t I?”

“Exactly, Lara!   You love them! Love is the simultaneous combination of pleasure and pain, the simultaneous combination of support and challenge.  This is what gratitude and love are really about!”

“So, this applies to Lamont, too, eh?” she said, putting it all together with her quick mind, in the blink of an eye.

“Yes, Lara!  That’s it exactly!  The healthy relationship you want in the future with Lamont is achievable once you stop chasing happiness and start uncovering your gratitude.  Do you want to do that?”

 

“… I will discuss both options with Lamont…”

“Yes I do, Ken!   Can it involve Lamont as well?”

“Lara, if you are both at that level of awareness, reading from the same page as it were, then, it can facilitate, dramatically, how quickly you build that kind of relationship.”

“I will talk to him this evening to make sure he is onside and invite him to come with me next week…would that be OK?”

“Lara, that sounds fine!   If he has any questions, feel free to have him email me or call me directly.   Another option you both may want to consider is doing this at my scheduled weekend seminar, The Breakthrough Experience®.”

“Ken, I will discuss both options with Lamont and let you know which one we pick!  Thank you!”

“I look forward to  assisting you both in building your future together!”

 

“Gratitude is the sign of noble souls.” –  Aesop, author