Your Family is Your Learning System!

 

“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.” – George Santayana, philosopher

 

 

“Maud was a grandmother to three children whose names…”

Maud was turning 67 years old.  She and Malachi had been together over forty years.  She was a matriarch, tall, stately, magisterial in her walk and presentation.  She dressed in a modern, stylish, but matronly manner. She offered her hand to shake mine in a formal way, like at a wake or perhaps a formal line of dignitaries at a New Year’s levee.  She had a quiet, regal air about her. She looked like she was used to, and expected to be, not just listened to, but heard and respected. And yet, her smile was warm and engaging.

Maud was a grandmother to three children whose names all started with M like her own.   There was Melissa, age 8, Megan, age 15, and Mafalda, age 18. They were the children of her son, Mike and her daughters, Mallory and Manon, respectively.  But it was her oldest daughter Manon, who had the oldest granddaughter Mafalda, who was the catalyst for Maud’s visit to my office.

 

“She…doesn’t have a clue about the world or how it works.”

After we finished with the pleasantries and she had a cup of camomile tea in her hand, I asked Maud how I could serve her.

“Ken, what is wrong with young people today?   Don’t they have any principles or values? What guides them in their behaviour?  What’s their reference point for their ethics? I just don’t understand what goes through their head sometimes…” she said, her voice filled with exasperation.

“It sounds like you have something very specific on your mind, Maud.   What happened that brought you here today?”

“It’s my eldest daughter, Manon.  She will turn 40 in June and doesn’t have a clue about the world or how it works.”

“What has Manon done exactly that you find so upsetting?”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, given the name her father and I picked out for her after birth.   It was a name he was alway fond of. He said he saw it in some book. He was always reading…”

 

“… it means…rebellious woman!  

“What does the name Manon mean?” I asked, genuinely curious now.

“Ken, it means…rebellious woman!   And, that’s how she’s been since her day of birth.  She was colicky as an infant, a demanding two year old, a belligerent preteen and a challenging teenager.” she said, her face reviewing all her bad memories of her oldest child.

“What has she done lately which brought you here today, Maud?”

“Ken, she wants to quit her job as an ER nurse…work she’s very good at… which pays her well and from which she derives a lot of respect and status in our family and community…to become a pilot…an airline pilot of all things!   I just don’t understand…I just don’t get it!” her voice sounding twisted and broken in frustrated confusion.

“Maud, I can help you understand Manon and what she is doing and even, perhaps, why she is doing it.   But, it will require you to be willing to learn some things about life you may have thought you knew already.  Would you be willing to go on that kind of journey?”

I continued while I had her attention,

“We seniors, sometimes think, we have life figured out already.  I’m constantly being humbled by my life and being reminded of how much I still need to learn.  Have you experienced that, Maud?” I asked, wondering how open she might be to new ideas.

 

 

“My family is my strength and my weakness.” – Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, actress

 

 

“… there is only one thing that motivates…values!”

“Ken, I have that thought many times!  Just the other day Megan, my 8 year old granddaughter I mentioned earlier, said to me right out of the blue, ‘Gram, how come we can’t touch rainbows?’  I had no response to that question.” she said, smiling at the precious memory of that priceless moment with her progeny.

“I sometimes wonder if the primary job of kids is to remind us of how much we don’t know…but that could be my meds, eh?” I said, matching her smile.

Getting suddenly serious again, Maud said,

“Maybe that’s why Manon’s decision is so bothersome for me…I just don’t understand why she would give up all she has achieved to change her career.”

“Maud, there is only one thing that motivates anyone, including you and I, to do anything…values!   Manon’s values are behind her decision to change her career!”

“But Ken, I raised her to value herself, her career and her family!  She is ignoring all that!” she replied a tinge of anger in her voice now.

 

“Kids don’t usually do what you say, they do what you do!”

“Maud, you may be carrying a common thought virus.  A thought virus based on an illusion about life. You may still think that we teach our children our values and they go forward emulating us in some way.  This is a rampant falsehood!”

“You mean we don’t teach our children what’s important in life.”

“Maud, there are some who say teaching is a myth…that the truth is we know people learn and we can encourage them to learn.   But, to assume we teach them is arrogance. It implies they don’t have a choice about where they focus their attention…their mind.  And, of course, they do have that choice, don’t they?”

“Yes, of course, anyone knows that!   But, Ken, then how do they end up with their values?”

“The simplest way I have heard it explained was by mom who was fond of saying, ‘Kids don’t usually do what you say, they do what you do!” I offered.

 

“Do you mean my version of beauty is unique to me…”

“That would mean Manon is modelling her father or me?” she said startled by her own deduction.

“Well, let’s check that out.   What’s the trait or behaviour of Manon’s which most upsets you about her decision, Maud?”

“That would have to be the complete disregard for the wishes…really the values of her parents…of her father and myself…for those values I mentioned a few minutes ago… herself, her career and her family!” she replied with an indignant air projected from her whole person.

“People talk a lot about having a fixed set of personality traits.  But more accurately, we have about 5,000 unique behaviours from which we select what to do in any situation.  And, just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is every trait or behaviour.”

“Do you mean my version of beauty is unique to me…and everyone has their own version of beauty, Ken?”

“Exactly!   If you want to check it out just recall the spouses of some of your friends or relatives and you realize the truth of it.” I said, smiling and striving to anchor the idea.

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.”

– Alex Haley, author

 

 

“You perceive you’ve never done that, Maud.  But, who would,…”

“I just thought of my sister Mabel’s husband, my brother in law…I get it now!” she said with a soft smile.

“So, Manon’s disregard for her parent’s wishes…that behaviour is bugging you the most…correct, Maud?”

“Yes, that’s basically it.  I just couldn’t see myself doing that, I’d never disrespect my parents that way!” she said in a haughty, self-righteous tone.

“Now, remember, everyone has every trait or behaviour according to someone at some time!  So, who, because of their values, perceived you, Maud, as disregarding your parents in some way in the past?”

“I’ve never done that, Ken!”

“You perceive you’ve never done that, Maud.  But, who would, and did perceive you with that behaviour, in your past?  Think about it carefully for a moment. Go back over your history. It has to be there in some form at some time.”

She hesitated skeptically, so I added,

“Start with family, then friends, then neighbours, then community.  Take you time and think carefully! Who perceived you Maud, the same way you are perceiving Manon?”

 

“I guess family learning is a two way street!”

She was stymied.  She looked over my head to an abstract painting I have hanging in my office.  Her eyes relaxed a bit, then defocused as she searched her memory. Then she found it and the revelation startled her.  Her eyes popped back into focus and she burst out with,

“Mabel, my oldest sister, was against me marrying Malachi.  He was not of our faith. I remember her saying it would ‘kill Mom and Dad!’  It didn’t of course! But, it took her, and especially my father, some time to warm up to Malachi.  So, looking back now, they probably both saw me the way I have been seeing Manon. I never noticed that before, Ken.”

“And, can you see how having Malachi in your life has contribute to who you are today even though you had to follow your own values and not your parents…and even though you loved them?”

As her eyes filled, she said,  “Yes, I see it all now! That’s why I have Manon, isn’t it?  She is the perfect daughter for me. She is helping me grow as much as I helped her.  I guess family learning is a two way street!”

“Maud, imagine if you took the same idea, the same natural law of nature, and applied it to other events that are bothering you about Manon or anyone else?”

“It is so freeing to lift this heavy emotional baggage off me.  My entire perspective about Manon has shifted in just minutes. I can see she needs to do this for herself, for her own wellbeing…her own future…just like I did when I married her father.  Will you help me with some other stuff I need to dump, Ken?”

 

“It would be my pleasure, Maud!” I said.

 

 

“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.”

–  Lee Iacocca, businessman