Abuse, like beauty, is determined by the beholder!

“The existence of symmetry laws is in full accordance with our daily experience. The simplest of these symmetries, the isotropy and homogeneity of space, are concepts that date back to the early history of human thought.”
– Chen-Ning Yang, physicist

 

“I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade three and put on Ritalin for many years.”

Haunani, by way of introduction, told me her name meant ‘snow beauty’ and her Dad had picked it up at a conference he had attended, many years ago, in Hawaii.  Her assertive and gregarious communication style suggested she believed her childhood ADHD diagnoses which she also mentioned at the outset of our first meeting.

Haunani was 32 years of age with a dark complexion.  Her brown hair she wore at shoulder length. She was casually dressed, perhaps for a walk or visit to the gym.   She had made the appointment just the day before because she said it was urgent.

Haunani and her husband, Hale, had a daughter, Helga, a four year old. Haunani was in the second and final year at a community college program in environmental science.  Hale owned and operated a car wash.

When I asked her what had motivated her to contact me, she jumped right in with,

“I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade three and put on Ritalin for many years.  In high school I stopped taking it because I was fed up with the side effects.   And, I was OK without it. Lately, I have used marijuana periodically to relax me.”

 

“Hale wants me to go back on meds because he says…”

“Not an uncommon experience with that diagnosis, Haunani.  What has happened to bring you here?” I asked, matching her directness.

“Hale wants me to go back on meds because he says I’m too preoccupied, forgetful, unstable and not a  responsible mother!” she replied, emotions of hurt and anger rising in her voice.

“What specifically does Hale perceive as showing you displaying preoccupation, forgetfulness and irresponsibility?”

“Well, the most recent was yesterday, Tuesday, when I forgot to pick up the pizza for supper after I picked up Helga at day care.”

She kept going,

“He got so upset about it.  He was yelling and calling me names.  Helga started crying… but, he just keep on ranting about how stupid I was…how I wasn’t a good mother… how I was a loser.   Stuff like that!” her shock and embarrassment rejuvenated by the telling.

 

“How long has this level of hostility been going on…”

“How did you cope with that moment, Haunani?   What did you do?”

“I told him he was scaring Helga…and, to calm down…after all, I said, it was only a pizza!”

“How did he respond?”

“He just kept on raving like a lunatic.  So, I just took Helga and went for a drive.  I didn’t know what else to do, Ken!”

“Sounds like you handled it well. You de-escalated the situation and protected both yourself and your daughter.” I said, in a reassuring manner.

“Yeah, but I’m tired of this, Ken!   And, I’m concerned about Helga, too!”

“How long has this level of hostility been going on, Haunani?” I asked, wondering about the history of their relationship.

“Way too long, Ken!   I know I have a fixed and narrow set of priorities which are my daughter, my marriage and my career.  But, I don’t see how he has any basis for his accusations. I do my part in our family…but, he never seems satisfied.  I’m never good enough for him. I’m so tired of it!”

 

 

“The most general law in nature is equity-the principle of balance and symmetry which guides the growth of forms along the lines of the greatest structural efficiency.”
–  Herbert Read, poet

 

 

“… it is not just Helga who is afraid of him…at times, it’s me as well!”

“Do you perceive Hale’s behaviour us abusive?” I asked, wondering how far this had travelled in her values.

“Funny you should say that Ken…I’ve been thinking that for some time…it has been going on for so long…he seems really out of control..and, it is not just Helga who is afraid of him…at times, it’s me as well!”

“That suggests you will need to act decisively to protect yourself and Helga. Do you want to rebuild your relationship with Hale, if he is interested, Haunani?” I asked wondering if she wanted a future with her husband.

“Yes, I would Ken!  And, I think he would as well because he seems to feel guilty after he has these outbursts.”

“Would he be open to coming in with you to rebuild your relationship, right away?”

“I will ask him this evening…but, I think he will!”

 

“It is the harmony of the diverse parts, their symmetry, their happy balance; in a word it is all that introduces order, all that gives unity, that permits us to see clearly and to comprehend at once both the ensemble and the details.”
– Henri Poincare, mathematician

 

“That would mean I’m supposed to be learning something from what is going on…”

“OK, let’s book something tentatively for next week until you talk to him and then you can confirm it with me.   But, there is something else you need to address that is not directly related to Hale, but rather about you. Would you like to discuss this now?”

“Sure!”

“Do you ever wonder why this challenge is occurring at this point in your marriage and in your life?”

“I remember you making reference earlier to there being no mistakes in nature…no weeds, is how you phrased it.  And so, there were no mistakes in my life either, only learning opportunities. That would mean I’m supposed to be learning something from what is going on with Hale…right?”

“Yep!   That’s what, I think, would be very useful for you to explore regardless of what Hale decides, Haunani.”

“Well,  I’m ready because something has to change.  And, if I’m part of it, so be it!” she replied, with an mental openness reinforced by an open gesturing of her hands.

 

“…what you did to cope with that situation at that very second…”

“Let’s revisit that memory of just yesterday when Hale was upset and yelling at you.  I want you to close your eyes and go back to the very second when you were most fearful.”

Then I added,

“Go inside your mind and revisit that second and freeze it.  See it as a video where you pressed the ‘pause’ button.  OK so far, Haunani?”

Haunani relaxed back into her chair and closed her eyes.  I waited quietly.

Then, she said,

“There is a vein beside Hale’s right eye that gets really blue and bulges when he’s angry.  I can see it clearly. And, his face is all red, like he has high blood pressure or is blushing.  And, I can hear Helga crying and calling for me!”

“OK, excellent!  Now, tell me specifically, what you did to cope with that situation at that very second, Haunani?”

There was another pause. I waited again, knowing it’s usually new and challenging, to take such a specific and detailed focus on our memories of our life, for the first time.

 

“The biggest conceptual change over the last 100 years in the way physicists think about the world is symmetry.” – Lawrence M. Krauss, physicist

 

 

“There is another half which you need to uncover…”

“I think at that second I realized I wasn’t safe, and neither was Helga.  So, I turned from Hale, walked over to pick up Helga off the couch, went into the kitchen, picked up my car keys from the counter, went out the back door to the car. We got in and drove away!” she said with clarity and certainty.

“Haunani it sounds like a scary, painful second.  But, that’s only half of it.  There is another half which you need to uncover.  There is a half which was counterbalancing the painful cost with pleasurable benefits.  Let’s find them!” I suggested to her.

“I don’t see them at all, Ken!  Can you ask me some questions to find them?”

“Sure Haunani!   What was the most important benefit which you got by coping in just that specific way?”

“You’re talking about that idea about ‘every cloud having a silver lining’ kind of thing?” she asked back.

“Yes, that’s a perfect example of the law of symmetry and synchronicity…one of the most fundamental laws of nature …which was happening at that very second.  What was the most important benefit to you at that very second?” I urged her.

 

 

“…I asserted myself, when Hale was bullying me.”

“The most obvious to me is I protected Helga from her angry father.”

“Yes!  And, who else did you protect, Haunani?”

“I guess, myself as well..didn’t I?”

“Indeed you did!”

“Think about other areas of your life you’ve protected, what other benefits did you also receive at that same second?”  I asked, wondering about the scope and depth of her awareness.

“Well, since I protected myself and my child, I must have also protected my mental health by reducing my stress level.  And, even my studies, cause I still went to school today and took Helga to day care. And, that means I also protected my career and financial future.  And, as I think about it, I also stood up for myself…I asserted myself, when Hale was bullying me.”

“Haunani, when you see that second more completely, more deeply and more truthfully… can you see how it neutralizes much of the emotionality of the moment, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah it does!  I was just noticing how my feelings of hurt and frustration, softened considerably, as I uncovered this new information.” she replied, her face softening in tandem.

“The universe is built on a plan the profound symmetry of which is somehow present in the inner structure of our intellect.”- Paul Valery, poet

 

 

“That could enable a person…to… appreciate every, and any second, in their past?”

“Haunani, that is the laws of symmetry and synchronicity in action!   Can you see how you empowered yourself in that second to honour what was most important to you at that second, yourself and Helga?”

“Yes I do!  And, when I think about it that way, Ken, I know, with certainty, there was no error in what I did or how I handled it!  Yes, it was scary but at the same time, I’m OK with how I handled leaving that scene.” she said, with a higher degree of self affirmation to her face and tone.

“Now, what if you could prove there was a symmetry and synchronicity to every other second you have experienced in life?” I said, curious if her mind was moving as fast as I suspected, with this idea.

She thought for a moment before responding with,

“That would mean I could be OK with any second of my life, without exception…is that even possible, Ken?” she asked  surprising herself with her own deduction and question.

“It certainly is!  I have the privilege of witnessing it quite often in my work.”

“That could enable a person…even a person like me, to really grow and appreciate every, and any second, in their past?   I want to be able to do that, Ken. I want Hale to be able to do that, too! And, especially Helga!”

“Well, let’s start with getting you and Hale in here ASAP, OK?”

“OK!”

“In the life of our organism, we are continually dealing with a development of force followed by a state of equilibrium. Of course, the human being has no conscious knowledge of what is really going on within him, but what takes place is so infinitely wise…”
– Rudolf Steiner, philosopher